The original Windows Explorer was just a telescope.

I stood on the wrong side of a fan today.
It sucked.

Since buying a reptile, loads of guys have congregated in my garden.
My Milk Snake brings all the boys to the yard.

I was arrested by the police yesterday. They said they had a dossier on me.
I thought why a French tramp?

My girlfriend's easy going.
She has irritable bowels.

I felt this girl's left breast the other day.
She was disgusted, but at least I knew her heart was in the right place.

Me and my mum have just invented a new type of super glue together.
We have a unique bond.

I went into a Chinese takeaway.
The man behind the counter said, "What can I get you?"
I said, "Duck!".
And that's when it hit him.

BBC: DR Congo boat sinking kills 140
Serves him right for having a floating surgery if you ask me...

I've just been for a meal with the wife, Just before leaving she said " Don't forget to tip the waitress".
Great minds think alike.

A couple of Irish builders have recently moved in next door to me and all I ever hear them say is "Wheelbarrow this" and "wheelbarrow that",.
I wouldn't normally mind, but the last time I lent a pikey something he never gave it back.

I overheard my wife on the phone telling a friend that she was craving a bit of rough.
I just can't wait to see her happy little face when she finds out I've booked us in for a week at the old course at St. Andrews.

I accidentally ran over a Paki today. I was pulled up at the traffic lights and he was crossing the road when my selective colour blindness kicked in again.

Drag racing.
The quickest way to develop lung cancer.

I said to my mate, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."
He said, "Butcher?"
I said, in a lower voice, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."

I love acoustics, they're sound.

Pulled a hamstring earlier.
Cheese string was furious.

My wife's a bit like the national lottery.
Everyone has a chance, for a pound.

It was about this time last year that I resolved never to smoke marijuana again. I wouldn't have been able to get through such a trying time if it wasn't for my crystal meths.
It's been my rock.

I asked some girl I pulled last night how she liked her eggs in the morning and she replied "fried, not fertilised".
So I set fire to her flat before leaving the next day.

"Seasonings greetings from the India Salt & Pepper society."

My car broke down earlier.
It was the first time I'd seen it cry.

I saw my neighbour eating some food out of a bin the other day so I shouted across the road, 'Hygiene!'
'Hi there!', replied Mr. Hackman.

Did you hear about the two dyslexics who were arrested for throwing black people from the top of Niagra Falls?

I was looking for a new job today and came across a really well paid one as a human hat stand.
Not much job security though, you can lose your job at the drop of a hat.