My friend came to me with the idea of opening an affordable clothes store
I told him there's a Gap in the market for that.

I was just chased by a group of vegan satanists.
Must be the children of the quorn.

My son's birthday was a bit depressing.
You're supposed to fill the balloons with lithium, right?

Trying to find a stand-up comic is quite tricky.
Would help if they were hard-backs.

I found a full bottle of Valium on my way to work this morning and thought, "Somebody must have lost it."

Babies and high caffeine drinks don't mix . .
. . no matter how long you blend them.

The wife found me outside the house, lying in the gutter.
"Drunk again?" she accused.
"No, just a bit drained," I replied sarcastically.

Yesterday I was walking home in front of my wife when she said,
"Tom, why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."

Where do horses with 1 leg live?
An unstable.

I left my Dog in the Car today for 4 hours in the scorching heat.
I know I made a mistake.
But I thought it'd give the Kids some company.

When I was born my mother must have thought I was a real treasure...
Cause she tried burying me several times.

I heard that people hate it when you listen in on their conversations.

I was in a music store today and I came across a guitar book
I inspected it and on the front it said 'This book helps with strumming, fingering, slapping and soloing.'
And now i realise why guitarists get all the girls.

Emulsifiers
Making the unmiscible, miscible.

I was having a few drinks in the pub the other night when an architect ran through the door and started doing cartwheels and backflips.
He knew how to make an entrance.

Dirty Harry named his daughter Lucky, for the sole purpose of messing with any boyfriend she brought home.

My wife said she'd leave me if insisted on always wearing green.
So today I'm wearing a mixture of blue and yellow.

I turned up at a fancy dress party dressed as a football.
I was immediately kicked out

A Spanish bloke goes in to a Chinese Take-away and says, "Can I have sweet and sour badger with badger fried rice please."
The man behind the counter replies, "Ahh, Sett meal for Juan."

My mate just dropped out of school.
5th floor window, poor guy didn't have a chance.

I was listening to Radio 5 Lives Wimbledon Coverage. That lesbian Clair Balding saying "Safina is pumping her fist hard at her box".
Radio does not always paint the perfect picture!

I did a parachute jump while suffering with diarrhoea.
I hit the ground running.

I've been a bricklayer for 15 years now.
Surely there must be mortar life.

What did one plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on me!

My postman wants to be a standup comedian. He should be ok but he really needs to work on his delivery.