In Florida, they use alligators to make belts.
"It's amazing what you can get alligators to do."

I've started selling Lions for a living.
I'm doing a roaring trade at the moment.

I was watching neighbours today.
I particularly like watching the blonde girl in flat number 6.

My wife can't park to save a life.
I've no idea why she started that job as a paramedic in the first place.

I had a near death experience last night, it was terrifying.
I can't imagine how the girl I was stabbing must have felt.

BBC News - "Church tops young music rich list". I'm not surprised...
...priests have been grooming the best choir boys for years.

Two men in the jungle , one is reading a book and the other is writing a book.
A Lion comes along and eats the man reading a book , but leaves the other man alone.
Even the king of the jungle knows that Readers digest, but writers cramp.

I was convicted today of being a serial rapist.
I'm sorry, but those cheery-hoes deserved it!

Never say never.
Unless someone asks, "What rhymes with clever?"

I used to be best mates with my acupuncturist.
But he stabbed me in the back.

My kids think the only way to get their point across is to write in capital letters.
I told them that's not always the case.

A lot of people think I'm an unsavoury character.
Sweet!

Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?

I did a stretch inside once...
Followed by a yawn.

I've just hit my wife with a scaffold bar.
That will teach her for laughing at my erection.

I was arrested at a bike show for indecent exposure.
In my defense, she did ask to see my helmet.

Angry Birds is a chick-flick

I was in the middle of robbing a bank when suddenly my body did a series of synchronous diaphragmatic flutters.
So that was a bit of a hiccup.

I've just been to a monkey rescue center called 'Camp Chimp'.
They were all panzees.

Why don't women drink cool aid?
Cos after their husbands are done with them they need first aid.

I was talking dirty with my wife yesterday in bed.
She said "Make me hot baby."
So I microwaved our newborn son.

A man in the street offered me a used kite for free.
I said, "What's the catch?"
He said, "There are no strings attatched."

I was taking a shower this morning, when I thought to myself...
Shoplifting is not a talent of mine.

Once every two weeks I sleep under my sofa cushions,
it's a fort night

I forgot to put my spade back in the shed yesterday.
No wonder he's run away.