What do you call that schizophrenic woman down the street?
Jaqueline Hyde.

I dig holes and fill them with water. It's well boring.

My wife is putting on black robes and a white collar...
I think she's getting revved up.

Really excited about moving into a detached house. I've already got a semi.

I've drawn a self potrait in ultra violet ink
Now people see me in a different light

I just got a job in the web design team for the Italian power company: Powergen. First thing we need to think of is a domain name that will be suitable.
It took a while but we finally thought of one and Powergenitalia.com will be up and running in no time.

My wife just said she loves French sticks.
At least I hope that's what she said.

Ever since I've started working at the resistor factory my colleagues have really helped me feel at ohm.

Some people will never change.
Like a nun, same clothes everyday.

For sale: clocks with half a face.
For a limited time only.

I used to have a Fox and an Ox, but now only have an Ox due to the fact I lost my F'in Fox.

It was my birthday last night and all drinks were on the house.
I stayed sober because i'm scared of heights.

BBC News : Pension age could rise from 2016....
I think that's old enough to be honest.

As I drove down a country road I saw a sign that said "left to Bradford," I thought "what a turn off."

My wife has asked me to "stop always getting the last word in".
I'm doing quite well, but now none of my sentences make any.

My wife asked 'I dont understand double entendres, can you please fill me in?'

A brain and a battery walk into a pub and ask for two pints. Barman refuses service, Brain asks "why?!" Bartender replies "you're already out of your head, and I'm afraid he might start something"

A brain and a battery walk into a pub and ask for two pints. Barman refuses service, Brain asks "why?!" Bartender replies "you're already out of your head, and I'm afraid he might start something"

Seal has today announced that he is divorcing supermodel wife Heidi Klum after five years of marriage.
Apparently he' is tired of jumping through hoops for her.

I had a long think after winding up all my friends at a dinner party last night.
Maybe I'm too old to play with clockwork toys.

I've just seen 2 men trying and failing to rescue Leonard Nimoy from a hostage situation.
Should have gone to SpockSavers.

I've just seen 2 men trying and failing to rescue Leonard Nimoy from a hostage situation.
Should have gone to SpockSavers.

I asked my girlfriend to marry me while we did rock climbing.
She told me to get a grip and left me hanging.

Six foot of soil?
Over my dead body!

My girlfriend has an irrational fear of carnivals, so i've booked her in with a psychotherapist.
It's only fair.