If there's one thing I can't stand.
It's intolerance.

I can remember after school every day at around 5pm I'd be upstairs when my dad would shout to me "Son, come for your dinner!"
It was disgusting but at least it kept my protein levels up.

I got my bank statement this morning.
Looks like I'm in the brown again.

I've just climbed to the top of a mountain,
It gave me summit to do.

One day I would like to visit the Artic circle.
Or the wife's side of the bed as its otherwise known.

I went to a bed shop and said, "I would like to buy a mattress."
The cashier said, "A spring mattress?"
I said, "Well I was hoping for one I could use all year round."

Don't contradict yourself, contradict yourself instead

I was sitting with my mate Tom from Australia as we stayed up late watching the cricket. Tom pulled a bottle of beer out of the fridge and came up to me and asked "Mate have you got an opener?"
To which I replied "Yeah two great ones, how about you?"

Me and my wife were in Comet choosing a new TV.
I wanted a 60 inch top of the range Sony, she only wanted a 32 inch basic Goodmans model.
She said, "There's no way we're paying 2,000 more than we need to."
I replied, "But babe, you've got to look at the bigger picture."

I just put on a DVD about how to use a gun.
It's loading.

I bought a glove earlier.
Second hand.

Despite numerous hints, I hadn't realised my son's been doing ballet for years.
Today I finally put tu and tu together.

For the first time this year I saw a dragonfly.
As we saw the mother-in-law's plane take off at the airport.

BBC News: Delays 'did not cause 7/7 deaths'
Just the 6 of them apparently

Two streaks of diarrhoea walk into a bar. The barman looks up and asks "Why the long faeces?"

I ran into an old friend earlier. He asked, "How are you keeping?"
I said, "Not to bad mate, I saved a penalty the other day."

I walked past the kitchen where my wife was sitting at the table with a big box of chocolates; singing her heart out.
I walked in and said "You know, I think you're going to be really big some day soon."
She said "Oh, thank you so much, I really appreciate it that you have finally recognised my musical tal-"
I interrupted "Whoa Fatty, that wasn't a compliment!".

I had an interview today with DFS and was told to take a seat when I arrived.
Don't get me wrong now, it's a great seat and looks well in my kitchen but I would have preferred a job.

I recently penned a book about how to deal with being an orphan.
Its nothing to write home about.

My girlfriend recently died, she was addicted to translucent paper.
RIP Tracy.

I performed stand up to an audience of ghosts.
They wouldn't stop booing.

What did the body-builder say when the health shop ran out of powdered protein?
No whey?!

Dumped my girlfriend when I found out she had Diabetes.
Not my type.

On Bonfire Night, remember to check the middle of your bonfire for any hedgehogs.
They'll cook much better on the edge

Apparently there's a man walking through London mutilating people's legs.
He was last seen in Hackney.