I got a hand job yesterday.
I'm now officially a sign language interpreter.

Anyone can write horoscopes. It's piscesy.

I washed a Marks & Spencers top of mine using Vanish the other day.
Now the label just says "& Spencers"

When we were alone in the kitchen the other day, I asked my sister-in-law what she wanted for her birthday. She leaned in close and whispered that what she really wanted was a good roger ring.
So far, I've been to Hinds, H. Samuels, Argos, and Ernest Jones, and no-one knows what they are. She's gonna be really disappointed...

I was sat in a T.V studio, pondering the most comical way to be hit in the face by some recording equipment when,
BOOM, it hit me.

At scouts today, my son learnt how to kindle a fire.
Tomorrow he's learning how to iPad a canoe.

GALILEO : Great mind!
EINSTEIN : Genius mind!
NEWTON : Extraordinary mind!
BILL GATES : Brilliant mind!
ME : Master mind!
YOU: Never mind!

Why did the letter H kill himself?
Because the G-had.

I received a letter through the post yesterday that had me asking some questions.
It was a "Y"

What's brown, furry and wet?
A drizzly bear.

I coated my front door in C4 yesterday.
Hey, don't knock it.

Stood
Mis
That's misunderstood

Someone just tried put a black gown and a stupid curly wig on me in the street.
I hate it when people judge me.

I had an unhappy childhood, in which I was routinely beaten by my parents.
Although as I got older, I got better at chess.

Me and my mate were having a fight about mathematical problems.
It got totally out of proportion.

Drink. Don't think and drive.

I went asleep in my bed last night, yet woke up surrounded by allotments...
I think they are plotting against me....

Why worry about the black kids standing by your new car?
'We need to remove the stereo' types.

I bought some really cheap, basic toilet roll the other day - but it does exactly what a toilet needs.
It was bog standard.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond
He's certainly a shorn canary

Suggs revealed that he took "a lot of amphetamines" when he was younger.
There's a meth-head in the Madness

I need more money. My net income doesn't pay for my gross habits.

My friend called me lackadaisical today
I couldn't be bothered to look up what that meant

My huge, solid gold ring makes quite an impression on the ladies.
Usually around the forehead and jaw.

SKY NEWS : Thai Floods Kill 57 - But Is Worse To Come?
Who is this 'worse'? ... and why is he masturbating ?