On the up side, there is a ceiling.

I like being ambiguous.
Or maybe I don't..

My door-bell went this morning.
That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

Rolf Harris and Tony Hart had a sketch-off.
It was a draw.

What do you call a man with an area of 10,000 square metres?
Hector.

Since my wife died the house has looked a mess and it has begun to smell.
I should probably tell someone about the body.

They say you should never go to sleep on an empty stomach.
After last night, I agree. A bed is a lot comfier.

BNP, UKIP, English Democrats... I know my rights!

I've just fixed the town hall clock onto my roof.
Think I may have screwed up big time.

I just came home and found my mum slumped on the couch with needles in her arms.
She always falls asleep when she knits.

I just can't stand having a cast on my leg.

Just ate a Chinese, totally worth the prison sentence.

As a necrophiliac who loves swingers, I'm hoping they bring back death by hanging.

If you quit rehab, does that mean it worked?

I was in court yesterday and asked my lawyer what he thought of my case.
"Well,Ive had a good look at it,and Its a bit flimsy if Im honest" he replied.
"I thought so" I started,"but it was only a fiver from a car boot"

"BBC News 2247pm: In Manchester, a recently opened fashion boutique in King Street owned by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher has been hit by looters."
Clearly should have invested in a wonderwall.

My son has become a right rebel just lately...
I wish we never moved to Libya.

I used to battle with drink & drugs, now we get along fine

I bought a specially made book on bondage techniques.
It's bound to work.

My wife is like a stuck record.
A quick whack and she soon changes her tune.

My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan,and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped and he couldn't afford the repayments on his loan.Suffice to say the bank reposessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep,nowhere to live and penniless.
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

One person who hasn't been affected by the London congestion charge is Prince Harry.
He still manages to come into Chelsea at least twice a day.

A Greek island may be a great place for a holiday but I wouldn't bank on it.

I caught my Son in Possesion of Heroin.
I gave him a slap on the Wrists.
Which helped him find a Vein.

I was sentenced to life imprisonment for owning my blackhead remover.
Or, as the police put it, a bloodied Bowie Knife.