On the up side, there is a ceiling.

I like being ambiguous.
Or maybe I don't..

My door-bell went this morning.
That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

Rolf Harris and Tony Hart had a sketch-off.
It was a draw.

What do you call a man with an area of 10,000 square metres?
Hector.

Since my wife died the house has looked a mess and it has begun to smell.
I should probably tell someone about the body.

They say you should never go to sleep on an empty stomach.
After last night, I agree. A bed is a lot comfier.

BNP, UKIP, English Democrats... I know my rights!

I've just fixed the town hall clock onto my roof.
Think I may have screwed up big time.

I just came home and found my mum slumped on the couch with needles in her arms.
She always falls asleep when she knits.

If there's one job thats suitable for me it's an auctioneer. I know lots.

What has my love life and my steaks got in common?
Both rare.

I enjoy my job as a psychic.
It's just the early mournings I find hard to deal with.

I can't understand why my local pub has put a ban on aquatic mammals?
It serves no porpoise.

A guy came round to read my meter today.
It had the numbers 1 to 100 written on it exactly 1 cm apart.

An animal at the zoo was given special recognition after it gave its own life to rescue a child from a fire. It was a hippoposthumous award.

My mate showed me the strangest coin earlier, it was smooth on Both sides
I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

Do Lipton tea employees get coffee breaks?

My girlfriend won't swallow.
She's not that sort of bird.

I've developed a new way of playing tic-tac-toe
where you can't take your pen off the page...
It's hard to get across

After getting ripped off by a cowboy builder, my house has been left very vulnerable to burglars.
I've now got saloon doors instead of a front door.

Rumour has it that Sir Patrick Moore favours Wife Beater as his preferred lager of choice.
He's interstellar.

I bought a voice activated car last week and I told my mate that it had disappeared off my driveway and turned up outside the local garage.
''Take it back'', he said, ''you paid lots of money for that, it must be broken, don't you think?''
''Definitely mate'' I said, ''It goes without saying!''

What appeared above the bloke's head who invented the lightbulb, a candle?

I just can't stand having a cast on my leg.