Just ate a Chinese, totally worth the prison sentence.

As a necrophiliac who loves swingers, I'm hoping they bring back death by hanging.

If you quit rehab, does that mean it worked?

I was in court yesterday and asked my lawyer what he thought of my case.
"Well,Ive had a good look at it,and Its a bit flimsy if Im honest" he replied.
"I thought so" I started,"but it was only a fiver from a car boot"

"BBC News 2247pm: In Manchester, a recently opened fashion boutique in King Street owned by former Oasis singer Liam Gallagher has been hit by looters."
Clearly should have invested in a wonderwall.

My son has become a right rebel just lately...
I wish we never moved to Libya.

I used to battle with drink & drugs, now we get along fine

I bought a specially made book on bondage techniques.
It's bound to work.

My wife is like a stuck record.
A quick whack and she soon changes her tune.

My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn't go to plan,and although the sheep were larger they weren't as big as he'd hoped and he couldn't afford the repayments on his loan.Suffice to say the bank reposessed his house and land, leaving him with just his sheep,nowhere to live and penniless.
The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

One person who hasn't been affected by the London congestion charge is Prince Harry.
He still manages to come into Chelsea at least twice a day.

A Greek island may be a great place for a holiday but I wouldn't bank on it.

I caught my Son in Possesion of Heroin.
I gave him a slap on the Wrists.
Which helped him find a Vein.

I was sentenced to life imprisonment for owning my blackhead remover.
Or, as the police put it, a bloodied Bowie Knife.

Here's one for all the French folk on here:
'Un'

My new girlfriend is very insecure.
Tonight was the first time I've been in her house and I've already made copies of all of her bank statements.

The flatpack furniture that's too difficult for me has yet to be built.

When I worked in theatre production as I was always told,
'Always leave them wanting more'
I'm now a rubbish anaesthetist.

I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again.
I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.

What does a stressed out doctor drink?
Casual tea.

I understand. You love to interfere and you are great at doing it.
So what do you want, a meddle?

My dad's the marathon endurance champ.
Two years running.

I had to do an emergency stop at 70mph today. You should have seen the skid marks.
left some horrible black lines in the road aswell.

My mate was preparing something in the kitchen
'What are you doing?' I asked him
'I'm making my fish pie', he said
What an idiot, I thought. Fish don't even eat pie

De.
That's not even half decent.