If there's one job thats suitable for me it's an auctioneer. I know lots.

What has my love life and my steaks got in common?
Both rare.

I enjoy my job as a psychic.
It's just the early mournings I find hard to deal with.

I can't understand why my local pub has put a ban on aquatic mammals?
It serves no porpoise.

A guy came round to read my meter today.
It had the numbers 1 to 100 written on it exactly 1 cm apart.

An animal at the zoo was given special recognition after it gave its own life to rescue a child from a fire. It was a hippoposthumous award.

My mate showed me the strangest coin earlier, it was smooth on Both sides
I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

Do Lipton tea employees get coffee breaks?

My girlfriend won't swallow.
She's not that sort of bird.

I've developed a new way of playing tic-tac-toe
where you can't take your pen off the page...
It's hard to get across

After getting ripped off by a cowboy builder, my house has been left very vulnerable to burglars.
I've now got saloon doors instead of a front door.

Rumour has it that Sir Patrick Moore favours Wife Beater as his preferred lager of choice.
He's interstellar.

I bought a voice activated car last week and I told my mate that it had disappeared off my driveway and turned up outside the local garage.
''Take it back'', he said, ''you paid lots of money for that, it must be broken, don't you think?''
''Definitely mate'' I said, ''It goes without saying!''

What appeared above the bloke's head who invented the lightbulb, a candle?

Here's one for all the French folk on here:
'Un'

My new girlfriend is very insecure.
Tonight was the first time I've been in her house and I've already made copies of all of her bank statements.

The flatpack furniture that's too difficult for me has yet to be built.

When I worked in theatre production as I was always told,
'Always leave them wanting more'
I'm now a rubbish anaesthetist.

I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again.
I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.

What does a stressed out doctor drink?
Casual tea.

I understand. You love to interfere and you are great at doing it.
So what do you want, a meddle?

My dad's the marathon endurance champ.
Two years running.

I had to do an emergency stop at 70mph today. You should have seen the skid marks.
left some horrible black lines in the road aswell.

My mate was preparing something in the kitchen
'What are you doing?' I asked him
'I'm making my fish pie', he said
What an idiot, I thought. Fish don't even eat pie

De.
That's not even half decent.