My wife demanded that I go hang the washing out.
So I clotheslined her.

There's a hole in the wall on my house that lets in a terrible draft.
On the plus side it's very convenient when I need cash.

I commissioned a study to find out why my missus likes Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

After 20 years of public service, I've finally retired.
4 new Michelins on my taxi.

Highlighter is such an attention seeker.

Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...
Sauce Unknown.

Say what you want about elevator music; I find it very uplifting.

I got attacked by muslims earlier......
Iran!

Top tip of the day: Dont make chicken impressions in a public place.
I got arrested for using foul language.

I got a leaflet in the mail this morning about a half price sale on everything at Argos.
It explained a great deal.

Me and my mate got on the train yesterday and
couldn't find our seats. The conductor came over
and asked:
"Have you any reservations?"
I said "No, I love going on the train"

BBC News: US to push $60bn Saudi arms sale.
Wonder how much they'll give me for my legs.

A revolver : The original point and click interface.

What do you get if you cross a match with sand paper?
Fire.

What are wok's used for?
Thwowing at wabbits.

My friend tried to convince me that the steak and chips I was about to eat could be detrimental to my health...
I took it with a pinch of salt

I was in the final round of a quiz yesterday and I had to think of a word that ended in 'se'.
I said 'course' and it was wrong so I lost the quiz.
Oh well, could've been worse I suppose.

I steal eggs from next door. I like my eggs poached.

RIP my radiator.
Bled to death.

Getting the milk out of the carton with a spoon is extremely difficult...
But I refuse to cut corners.

I have a girlfriend called Gael and, needless to say, I get blown a lot.

Just had a football match with Steven Hawking, hes rubbish in goal, but hes a good dribbler.

Last night, I witnessed an awful train wreck at Clapham Junction.
Katie Price was on platform 2.

My missus lost an eye in a freak accident.
she doesnt look right.

My Wife came downstairs earlier all dolled up ready to go out, and asked if I could give her a lift.
I said "Sure sweetheart. You don't look as fat in that dress as I thought you would".