I saw a sign in the old peoples home today, it read.
"These pensioners make great rugs."
Shame on you care workers?

I'm really a nice guy if you get to know me.
Rich Tea and chocolate biscuits come next.

Fish bait is like a drug.
Once you're on it you're hooked

I must be allergic to exercise..
Every time I do it my heart starts racing and I break out into a sweat.

In the two months since she moved in with me, the girlfriend's managed to put a stone on.
The garden wall's never getting finished at this rate.

In the two months since she moved in with me, the girlfriend's managed to put a stone on.
The garden wall's never getting finished at this rate.

My mate told me about his get rich quick scheme by stealing the inside of orange peel.
I think he's taking the pith.

The more X's you have on your t-shirt label, the less you receive in your birthday cards.

I asked my Mum why she insists on talking to me in a different language every day. She told me I wouldn't understand. I think

'Pirate' has one eye.

Halal.
Is it meat you're looking for?

Working at an airconditioning company is like being a rock star.
You know how to turn on the fans.

The plasterer came this morning to do my ceiling.
When I got back from work, he was standing watching a big cowboy doing the skimming.
"What's going on? I asked.
"It's Our Tex" he replied

My new girlfriend's called Shebang.
She means everything to me.

I got into trouble drinking whilst behind the wheel yesterday.
A pikey caught me fingering his bird at the fairground.

As soon as the General walked in.
There was a tension in the room.

That Usain Bolt is a dashing chap.

That Usain Bolt is a dashing chap.

Bob Diamond shouldn't be so worried about getting sacked.
Losing your job can be a very Libor rating experience.

I got a horse racing App for my phone.
You've got to train the horse Android it.

Sad to hear that soul legend Bill Withers is no longer with us.
He's changed his named by deed-poll.

The Sea Cadets: Introducing children to Seamen since 1899.

My mate was steaming last night after he got back from the pub.
I said, "Come one mate, it's a bit too late to be cooking vegetables."

was at my Pianist Uncles funeral today. It was very low-key.

A customer walks into the book store
and wants to return a book on "Modern
Medical Procedures."
The proprietor asks, "Is there something
wrong?
Customer replies, "Yes, there is no
appendix."