My new boss asked if I wanted to go get some Chinese for lunch. I replied, "Absolutely.... wait, you mean food, right?" He awkwardly said, 'yes'.
I can't imagine what people who don't get my type of humor must think about me.

Whenever I walk through London, tourists try to stop me and ask where the nearest tube station is.
I refuse to tell them.
It's beneath me.

After many years of trying, I have finally invented a cloning machine. I'm beside myself with joy.

There is a subtle yet huge difference between hotmail.com and hotmale.com.

Last night my wife accused me of not communicating.
She's the one to talk.

My new furniture polish smells like fish.
That's the last time I'm buying Mr Mussel.

BBC News- ''PETA announce their opposition to the term 'pet', preferring 'animal companion' instead.''
People getting worked up over word definitions is one of my animal companion peeves.

I always give waiters great tips after dinner.
I tell them to try studying and find a proper job.

Everyone calls me Napoleon because I'm always taking my phone apart

Just had a great result at the races!
My dog only went and won at 50-1.
I think I'll let her pick the next horse too

'God, you're making me wet.' Probably not the most appropriate thing for my 13 year old niece to say half way through her christening.

BBC: 7 year olds can't read well.
I'm stopping my 3 quid a month. Only wanted them to drink from it.

To queue,or not to queue,
That is congestion.

I have a division addiction.
I just can't stop doing it 24 / 7

I don't really like proteins, amateur teens are far better plus they don't charge.

"Sky Sports: Ian Harte sent off for Reading"
And to think my mum said books were good for me...

The naturists down our street had a huge Halloween party last night.
A frightening affair with ghoulies everywhere!

Many areas in Africa are very thinly populated.

The operation to separate me from my conjoined twin is tearing us apart

My teammate went down after a very meaty challenge, he took a real stuffing and now is immobilised in hospital, a vegetable you might say.
I still think he made a meal of it.

Did I tell you the amazing story about an axe you can't use for climbing?
Talk about an anti climax.

The Germans are very misunderstood people.
Mostly because no one wants to learn their language.

I'm taking my caravan on holiday this summer.
It's much better company than my wife.

I can't believe today's heat.
It's not got Katie Price in it.

Is crazy paving really all it's cracked up to be?