I drove my car into a tree today.
I now know how my Mercedes bends.

Two pieces of vomit are walking along the street when one of them stops and starts feeling all emotional and starts crying. The other one asks what is wrong and the first one says: "Oh just sentimental memories - this is where I was brought up".

Really disappointed about the diploma I was going to study on "Barratts Sweets". Turned out to be only a Refresher course.

People keep saying to me today. "Don't forget to move your clocks and watches forward tonight mate!"
Well I've just done my watch and its stupid, it keeps sliding off my fingers.

I said to my daughter, "You're not going out with that much make-up on".
She said, "Dad, I'm a circus clown. I have to look like this".

Everytime I use my phone my ear gets wet.
I think it's been tapped.

I was recently diagnosed with a disease where I keep having nightmares of being chased by a psychopathic gunman.
Apparently it's Bird flu.

Sky News: Girl of 5 crushed my automatic gate
Tributes in the form of flowers, cards and teddies have been left on the gate which crushed her.
Do they really think making the gate look more attractive to young children will stop this happening again?!

12 injured in an explosion at a Sodium Chloride factory.
Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

I saw an advert in my local paper: Heavy Metal Group Requires Singer.
What would a rock group want with a sewing machine?

Sometimes I regret not learning to speak French.
But such is life.

The burning question...
Am I on fire?

I'm having trouble signing up to this wrestling website. I'm not going to give up though.
Every time I try to make an account it tells me to submit.

By switching off a 60w lightbulb for 6 hours you will have saved enough energy to light a 60w lightbulb for 6 hours.

I was used in a reconstruction of a murdered campanologist for Crimewatch.
I was a dead ringer.

I saw a bath on display stood upright in B&Q.
I thought to myself "That idea will never catch on."

I remember when everything was different. Then everything changed and nothing is the same these days.

When I had a go at rowing I was so indecisive I couldn't choose either oar.

'That's a good point . . .
Said The Pencil Sharpener .

Since my friend Overdosed on Helium he doesn't think people will take him serious,
I said 'oh, don't talk like that.'

I saw a tree standing all by itself in the middle of some fields.
I thought, 'That doesn't look poplar'.

I went for a job interview. I walked in, shook hands with the interviewer, and dropped to the floor.
He said, "Are you alright?"
I said, "I'm fine. I was told to make a big impression. That was my Audley Harrison."

After surviving winter, deciduous trees must be releaved.

When my wife was pregnant, I was happy. When I found out they were going to be twins, I was ecstatic. When they were born and I saw they were joined at the head, I left them in a basket outside a stranger's house with a note:
'Please find attached.'

BBC NEWS: Tear gas used on Syria mourners.
Somehow, I don't think the tear gas was necessary.