My friend said "Follow me Pb"
I'm easily lead.

After weeks of trying to figure out a cure for herpes, I've got it!

Night Cops 2: It's 3am and the Swindon Night Cops are about to raid a house looking for drugs.
Shouldn't they be out working?

I have been trying to stop smoking for the past 20 years.
I'm an anti-tobacco campaigner

I had to undergo an emergency marrow transplant yesterday.
It was too late though, my vegetable soup was ruined.

I went into a music shop earlier to see if I could get some Cash for my guitar.
I came out with his Greatest Hits and the lyrics to Ring of Fire.

My worst ever shopping experience was in HMV when I queued for 127 Hours.

I cheated on my wife and now she says shes going to leave me, because 'I keep making subtle jokes about it'
I said ' Thats affair point'.

I think the real solution to this crisis we're in is changing America's credit rating to PG.

People are comparing the Tottenham riots to the ones in Egypt.
I can see the similarities; loads of Africans running around burning stuff.

What do you call a good and bad stock cube?
An Oxomoron.

After being diagnosed with a terminal illness, my wife said I should get my affairs in order.
So I'm seeing Anne on Monday, Christine on Tuesday and Denise on Wednesday.

When telling me about his family's trip to the zoo that day, my Jamaican friend said;
"We saw a Tiger there today, it was Shere Khan".
I replied
"What, from the Jungle Book?, why do you think it was Shere Khan?"
He said
"The zoo keeper told me it has Parkinsons".

I've been studying abroad for 2 years now,
She still doesn't know.

What's old & ropey?
Old rope.

I have to give a speech on the link between anxiety and insomnia next week.
I've been up all night worrying about it.

All my mates told me I needed a new battery in my watch.
I'm sure it was a wind up.

The ball-and-chain has just told me I'm not allowed to go to Dave's poker evening tonight.
I guess it's true what they say - if you spend long enough in solitary confinement, you start hallucinating.

Before he went out cycling, I tried to convince my son to wear a hi-visibility jacket.
"I wouldn't be seen dead wearing that." he said.
That's kind of the point, I thought.

The crossword was looking for a seven letter word meaning expected or usual but of course I wasn't able to come up with one.
Typical.

What do you call it when your parachute doesn't open?
Jumping to a conclusion.

Just finished making the first episode of a murder mystery series set on an aeroplane.
It was the pilot.

For the record......
I don't own a turntable.

I've just had to put up with the mrs going on about 50 shades of grey...
That's the last time I take her to B&Q!

I've been teaching my dog how to count. I said "Rover, whats three plus two minus five"? and Rover said nothing.