Wherever there is an evil dictator, you'll always find a miserable typist.

I was peeping over the neighbours fence watching their kids making a tall tower out of lego bricks.
After watching for only a few minutes, there was a huge erection.

Did you hear about the man who invented the Polo?
He made a mint.

My science teacher asked me to compose a sentence containing the words "Cosmic ray"
I said "I'm wearing my blue jumper, cosmic ray one is in the wash.

I refuse to use similes like a fat kid refuses cake.

I split up with my girlfriend because we argued about her single bed.
We kept falling out.

Why did the chicken lay an egg? To baffle humanity.

If you receive an e-mail trying to sell you a device which removes the little bits from your orange juice, ignore it.
It's pulp fiction.

For several years, I lived in a squat.
I've had trouble standing upright ever since.

News : 'Beer Prices Slashed In Supermarkets'.
Why would someone do that?
Now people can't read what the price of the beer actually is.

I've just seen Paul Weller with fruit and jelly on his face.
Looked like he'd been eating trifles.

Got back home from serving in Helmand province and there was a big smelly Afghan, playing around on my bed with my wife.
Lovely dog, but it's hairs were getting everywhere.

What's the big obsession with Ji-Sung Park?
He's no different from the rest of them.

The Michelin man - a constant symbol in over 150 countries for over 116 years ..
Sometime or other, he must have been tyred.

A lot of people use idioms, but they're not my cup of tea.

They say there's a sucker born every minute, but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

Got to repair my front door.
Everything hinges on it.

A question in a maths exam.
Q: Mark and mary are both surveying a set population of 1000 people to find their favourite colours.
Mark surveys 100 people while mary surveys 50.
Mark claims that his results are more reliable then Mary's. Why is this?
A: Because mark is a man.

Sky News : "Brrr-itain Braced For Another Big Freeze"
So if Britain becomes frosty, does that make it Grrr-eat?

I spent 10 on magic mushrooms and got duped with a bag of poison toadstools.
It's funghi 'cause it's true.

I'd been worrying about my geography exam for a long time. When I sat down to take it, the first question read;
"What is the correct term for any wind that blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?"
I don't know what I was worried about. It was a breeze.

Sometimes I like to sing into a hairbrush and pretend it is a microphone
The rest of the band get annoyed at me though

When I was younger my dad forced me to watch a video of my conception.
It was the making of me.

For Sale:
4 Church plates, 25.
Collection only.

I'm about to launch an online taxi firm.
I just need to download the drivers.