TNUC...
I know...it's like looking in a mirror isn't it?

I told my mate I'd bring him back something from my holiday.
He said "Abroad?"
I said "If they're selling them."

A famous Football Player is providing funding to build Travelodge, Holiday Inn, Premier Inn, Hilton & NOVOTEL Hotels on a busy crossroads in Manchester.
Apparently it's going to be a Super Inn Junction.

Princess Diana would have been 50 this year.
If only she'd stayed at 30.

My mates dared me to pull a girl named Gail last night.
It was a breeze.

All Hitler really wanted to do was make the world a fairer place.

Just seen a Pikey selling Clocks and Watches from an old 1950's style police box,
I think he's a Time Traveller

I'm 18, after leaving school and don't know what to do next. My mum suggested I take a year off.
So I'm 17 again.

Sir Alex Ferguson is furious with Ashley cole after seeing pictures of horror tackle
Wouldn't be the first time pictures of his tackle have got him in trouble

I've just bought some car insurance from Chris Eubank.
Thimples.

I hate sloppy seconds.
That's why I always wind my watch.

I used to date an anorexic girl. But eventually I dumped her.
I was sick of her making meals out of nothing.

I've just kicked a pheasant to death.
Don't hate the player, hate the game.

I asked my son what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like two salamander." he replied.
That's my boy, he's not even ten yet and he's trying to pimp his sister out.

If you take an 'n' from nonsense, it makes no sense.

My wife likes nothing more than to curl up with a good book.
So I've bought her a copy of Advanced Contortionism.

The easiest way to get ahead is by decapitation.

What's the difference between JLS and blackcurrants?
Unfortunately there are blackcurrants hanging from trees in my back garden.

I'd love to set the world record for the furthest sniper kill.
But I know it's a long shot.

Why does the French president enjoy snuggling up to all the other presidents? Because he thinks presidents are cosy.

I remember at one time, I used to be scared of my own shadow.
Thankfully that's behind me now.

Just got out of the hospital.
Apparently its called a "Blowfish" for some different reason.

My wife came home with some herbal tablets to help her lose weight called Sea Kelp,
I thought, I'm sure there's a subliminal message in the name there somewhere.

I've just seen a play about 'Fly Fishing'.
The cast was amazing.

My girlfriend has just bought some tickets to go and watch Labrinth...
I don't want to go but it's going to be hard to get out of.