i like writing letters - i find its impossible to write with anything else

I met a missionary once.
He said it was an interesting position.

A recent news article claimed that the Mona Lisa was the most beautiful woman in history.
She's not bad, but she's no oil painting.

I think it is hugely unfair as to the amount of criticism that the tabloid press are giving Jordan.
This Middle Eastern state has enough problems to deal with as it is.

I've got a couple of problems I need to get off my chest
I'm going for the operation tomorow

I tried to imagine a picture of the universe a millisecond before the Big Bang.
In fact I've tried many times,
but I just can't do it.
No matter.

Did you hear about the proctologist who was too slow at his job?
His boss told him to pull his finger out.

I punched a hole in the wall earlier today.
It had swallowed my card.

I brought an icicle into work today.
It's gone into liquidation.

I starred in a movie about a piece of bread.
I played my roll perfectly.

I knew someone who claimed he could do a triple head-spin.
He was all torque.

Now that I work nights I have decided to put sleeping pills in my Frosties.
They're Gre

I bought my girlfriend a surge protector for her birthday.
She nearly blew a fuse.

Just had some Walkers crisps.
Nicked them out of his Berghaus rucksack.

The letter M is very rare in the English language.
You only see it once in a Blue Moon!

I climbed down into a gigantic iron mine the other day.
I was in ore.

I was surprised when I got the Nirvana Live at Reading CD for Christmas.
I always thought they lived in Seattle.

Just been watching NBA basketball on Sky. Those Americans can't stop thinking about food.
Halfway through the game I heard one of the coaches asking for a Time out.

I was always told that if you ignore something it won't go away. I was also told there is always exceptions to the rule.
Isn't that right Kate, Gerry?

I feel sorry for the North Koreans, they have no Seoul.

My wife's on a low fat diet.
She eats lard off the floor.

I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one.
It's hard work sometimes, being a cannibal.

I've got constipation. Is this also a log in issue?

I got a box of italian childrens parlour games for my birthday....
'Pasta Parcel' is my favourite

I should have been disappointed by the vending machine dispensing broken chocolate bars, but it gave me a bit of a Boost.