I'm the Black Eyed Peas' new manager.
Don't believe me? well.i.am!

NASA have announced that they can now afford a manned mission to Mars after they found some cash down the back of the SETI.

Can people please stop turning the handle sticking out of my back ?
It winds me up !!

I was asked to say a word about my wife at her funeral.
I went for "Dead".

Disabled toilets...
when is somebody gonna come and fix them

Teacher: What's the shortest sentence possible?
Johnny: I'm.
Teacher: When do you use that as a sentence?
Johnny: After my tea, when my mum tries to give me more.
Teacher: And what do you say exactly?
Johnny: I'm full, stop

My wife said I was too formal.
I suggested she put that in writing and I'd reply by return of post.

I saw an advert for the Make A Wish Foundation that said "what do you get for a kid without a future?"
A Present?

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month.

I bought the wife a necklace from H Samuel but it's faulty. I checked online about their returns procedure.
The link's broken.

I called my wife today and told her I'd just got a great promotion at work, she was ecstatic.
The miserable cow didn't seen too impressed later though. So I'll be keeping the two for one Dominos voucher for myself.

After spending every spare minute of the last ten years trying to perfect my cloning machine, I finally cracked it last night.
Now I don't know what to do with myself.

I was playing pool with my mate last night when I thought,
"Maybe a cue would be easier"

When it comes to choosing which tv to buy I'm easily led.

I've just seen a river that had a wall built across it so that the water cascaded down it.
It was weird.

I was buying some hydrochloric acid the other day and asked the bloke how much it was.
"Including the vat?" He said.
"Yes," I replied. "Otherwise, what would I keep it in?"

I applied for a job at IKEA today.
I had to put the application together myself.

One of the neighbours found my cat's tag the other night.
I didn't even realise he'd been doing graffiti.

I had a suspicion that my new girlfriend was only with me for my money.
She asked if I got paid weekly.
I said "Yeah, very".
I haven't heard from her since.

My new years resolution is to stop being so vague about stuff.

I had to go to the Doctors recently, 'I'm afraid it doesn't look good' He said, 'You're going to have to have a foot off'
I'm not too bothered though, I'll be able to wear my kilt without getting arrested again.

I'm a daredevil. I steal biscuits from babies. I'm a bit of a rusk taker.

My wife recently asked me to define "a month".
I've been thinking four weeks, but I'm still not sure.

What's better than a piano in the hall?
A fiddle in the bed.

Bargain hunting is so much easier with a rifle.