Last night I saw a boring film about tea.
It was PG rated.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

As a courtroom judge, I spend a lot of my time around two types of people. The guilty. And the innocent. It's very much a case of black and white.

The answer is sheep...........
Thats what I herd anyway.

I need an operation on my lungs, was told it would be a simple procedure, but now its trachea than they first thought.

I was never one to make a scene.
Which is probably why I was a terrible playwright.

I keep having dreams about raisins and sultanas.
It's recurrent.

I saw an obese woman fall up an escalator today.
I can't convey how funny it was.

As I caught the train this morning, I thought,
Wish my son would stop throwing his model railway out of the window.

A friend asked me what self-evident meant.
I would have thought it was obvious.

I lost my virginty in a skip.
Or Laura as she was better known.

I love turning on fans. It gives me vent elation.

Caught my kid smoking pot at the School Sports Day.
They're in for the High Jump.

Hands down, that was my worst ever puppet show performance.

It's a shame we never heard about the Addams Family's Indian grandfather, Pop.

It's a good job the band 'Garbage' didn't change their name to the English version. They would've been rubbish.

I said to my mate "Next year I'm taking up something new. I'll give you a clue, it involves blood, sweat and tears with a little bit of Eye of the Tiger thrown in".
He replied, "So you're taking up boxing?".
"No", I said "Chinese medicine".

When Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech goes to his hometown bank to have his cheques looked over by the black girl who works there:
Choc Czech chick checks Czech Cech's Czech cheques.

My mate gets women by putting his hand in Archers and letting them lick it.
They come running when he Schnapps his fingers.

I don't think I'll ever get over my wife dying.
She's blocking the doorway and I'm confined to a wheelchair.

About to pay a deposit on a well-earned holiday in the Romanian capital.
I'm going to Bucharest.

Elvis Presley died 35 year ago today. It really got me thinking.
What sort of time travelling paradox machine does he own.

I wanted to get something for my wife so I took her to the auctions with me but no one would start the bidding!

Man lying in bed with his wife says to her: "If I had plastic surgery to make myself bigger, would you do the same?"
The wife replies "Yeah, i'd do that, it sounds like a good idea"
Man says "Excellent! I'll pay for your breast enhancement, and then i'll get myself some bigger hands"

"I'm an awful grime dj, trying to break into the pop market."
Sorry, I was just being Ironik.