I got called up today by a cold caller
"Would you like to change your Gas provider?"
"No"
"Are you looking to evaluate in the future?"
"...no...of course not..."
How does everyone keep finding out about my time machine!

My old granddad is always talking about Nelson...
I'm beginning to think he's addicted to The Simpsons

Just seen a beautiful girl with no hair walking through town..
That's a pretty bold statement.

A buddy and I were walking through Afghanistan recently, when he was tragically blown up by what looked to be a phone handset.
Officials are worried it might be a land line.

After getting thrush my Doctor told me to use yoghurt.
It really worked.
My dad's still picking Crunch Corner out of his teeth though.

I hate all these marketing companies promising everyone free stuff. I think they should stick to their promises and give everyone the Ray-bans
it's wayfarer that way

Never trust an acupuncturist.
They're all back-stabbers.

Did you hear what happened to our headmaster at deaf school?
Neither did I.

My brother now gives speeches explaining the characteristics of being overconfident and boastful.
Talk about showing off.

My wife complained at me for not using enough herbs when I cook for her.
I told her I just didn't have the thyme.

Groundskeeper "Oy you, It's against the law to fish round here".
Me "I'm not fishing-I'm teaching my worm to swim".

My babysitter said my kids are spoiled.
Now I need to find a new place to hide the bodies.

My babysitter said my kids are spoiled.
Now I need to find a new place to hide the bodies.

My wife was killed in cold blood.
When a black pudding truck rolled over on her.

I went to pick up some vegetables from the store today.
But they never did turnip.

With the recent spout of evil dictators across the world being overthrown and brutally executed, I can't help but think it's Saddam shame for their families

I went to visit my grandad earlier but when I arrived he was asleep on his chair. I turned off the light and drew his curtains.
Hopefully the portrait will enlighten him to the ridiculousness of his out of date hair style.

After a sudden change in events, the dictator had to suddenly revise his plans for world domination.
He spent the next week in the library.

I was doing important work on the computer and it shuts down by itself to do some automatic updates. I hit the keyboard abit and the bottom left key fell off. I lost ctrl

Walking down the road, I saw a man kneeling beside a heavily pregnant woman on the ground. "Quick!" he shouted "you've got to help me, my wife's in Labour!" I ran over and put my hand on her shoulder "it's alright love," I said "at least you're not in the Tories."

My wife will be on the plane now.
She isnt going anywhere,she is just taking 1/4 of an inch from the bottom of the door.

My mate thinks he has discovered body parts of a cow in his garden.
Personally I reckon it`s a load of old bull.

I called my son last night.
In my defence everyone at the delivery room kept coming up with stupid names.

I quit my job as a cabbie in Glasgow.
None of the Rangers fans pay taxis.

Whenever I meet an attractive women I always tell them, "If you ever fancy a good time, then it's on me."
There's usually lots of tears when they realise that they've misunderstood me.