My wife wanted a more secure future so I've invested half of all our money in stocks for her.
I've invested the other half in rotten fruit.

In 1972, Richard Nixon became the first ever US president to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up of using the stairs

If you want to stop murders in your area, put up a scarecrow.

I told a girl I could read her mind just to get her into bed and she believed me.
What was she thinking?

I got sacked from my job at a clothes alteration shop yesterday.
It's my own fault really , some days I couldn't even be bothered to turn up.

I saw some blokes in armour, sketching a pub just as it was getting dark.
I couldn't help thinking, "The knights are drawing inn".

What's the definition of a mistress. An object in between Mr and mattress.

I got stopped by some young guy yesterday in the street and he said "what is you?"
I replied, "A vowel".

After spending the last five years having every surface in my house chrome plated, I decided that it was finally time to sit back and reflect.

I was filling out a form online earlier whilst applying for a loan.
One of the sections said, "Income, how much?"
I wrote : Not a lot, a teaspoon or so.

Recently I sent my son away to boarding school.
He's going to be better than Tony Hawk.

I was walking down the road with my wife when she was instantly killed by a falling piano.
I thought, "That's grand."

Did you know you can actually live in the letters of the 'HOLLYWOOD' sign?
I used to live in the 'O' but I had the neighbours from 'L'

I heard the bomb found on the plane in the UK was placed inside an ink cartridge.
the explosion could have been Ink-redible.

Driving Nascar is very challenging...
But I refuse to cut corners.

I feel sorry for auctioneers, they always have a lot to deal with.

Got myself a new fragrance called 'Allotment'
The girls dig it.

I did a Plumbing course at College.
It was rather draining.

I was asked to attend the premier of my film about plagiarism.
I didn't make it.

Why can Nessie open any door?
She is a loch's myth.

As head librarian, I need to get my act together, making sure all rules are adhered to.
People are starting to talk.

Just had a shave using a Bic.
Didn't even cut myself, I am covered in ink though.

"Is there a shorter way of writing 'Number'?"
"No."

Hydrogen, Helium...
I don't take these words lightly

My girlfriend was very impressed when i managed to get her bra off with one hand.
"Could you try it on me next time" she said.