I've just bought a new watch from my local fetish shop.
It's got a strap on.

I just saw a boat called "The ******". I think it was a censorship.

I once won a game of snakes and ladders.
I couldn't help thinking the prizes on daytime quiz shows were getting worse.

Ronnie O'Sullivan has been described as having the greatest cue action in the world.
I'm not convinced there's much of an art tostanding in a line and waiting your turn.

My girlfriend now agrees that I've got the smelliest farts in the world.
She just doesn't like it when I rub it in her face.

I said to my daughter "I bet you I could win at poker"
She said "But I know you are good at poker"
I said "No, I ran of money last night when I was playing with the guys, so I bet you, Dave will be here in an hour"

I'm not allowed to drop my own kids at the school anymore. Last time the fall broke their legs.

My sister was wondering where all of her 80's CD's had gone, when she caught me with one.
"A-Ha." She said.
"No Pet shop boys." I replied.

I used to steal from Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

The other day, I was asked to inspect some sand.
It looked fine to me.

I went big game hunting last weekend.
Managed to get a giant Jenga.

I was backing up the car this morning.
Should be easier to get back if I lose it now.

I was told the lift at work was out of order.
I didn't think it was that bad, I only lifted her skirt for a quick look.

I dropped an electrical cable down the toilet earlier.
That was a shock to the cistern.

I got a grant from my local school today.
And a Chris, and a Justin.

I like to write jokes on distances but I've gone too far this time.

A jamaican couple were expecting a letter from the local supermarket.
After waking up in the morning the man asks his wife, "Asda post come?"

There's this guy who stands at my street corner looking shifty with a deck of cards...
He's the local dealer

I got a cold call today.
I answered the phone and a voice said, "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

In the long run, fat people always lose.

My mate was doing a crossword. He mumbled, "4 letters, not easy"
I said, "Is it hard?"
He answered, "Not really I've done most of it"

My mate drives nails in with his bare hands and uses his teeth to unscrew the toughest screws.
What a tool.

I hate when people make jokes out of the names of evil dictators.
I dont see whats saddam funny about it.
I can see myself hearing these Osama

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

A bloke stopped me in the street and tried trading punches.
I declined his offer, mine tasted more alcoholic.