The wife gave me an ultimatum. If I don't stop muddling up my directions, she wants me out the house for good.
So I packed my bags and right.

When I blow my nose, I often get paranoid that I can see bits of brain in the tissue.
I have to keep telling myself that it's all in my head.

Microsoft Pillows:
When you just need to crash.

I just watched a movie about tornadoes.
There was a huge twist towards the end.

I was trying to milk a cow the other day when I said to it "There's no milk coming out"
"What", the cow replied in shock "You can't be serious?"
"Only joking", I replied. "I was only pulling your leg"

Grappling hooks........
.......they'll never catch on

On a scale of 1-10, my dinner was 3.14159... Steak and Kidney to be precise.

My girlfriend has decided to cook me fish for dinner tonight.
One of few women who know their plaice.

My son wanted an Xbox 360 for his birthday, I told him we can't afford it but I would buy him an Etch a sketch instead.
You have to draw the line somewhere.

I've got a big obsession with the really tall wall I built in the garden.
I can't get over it

My wife walked out on me because of my insufferable nitpicking.
I think you'll find there's a hyphen in nit-picking.

'Roy Hodgson appointed England Manager'.
I think it's a really good thing.
But then I am Scottish.

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a... wreck tangle.

I went into Currys today to buy a TV. I asked these two salesman which TV has the better picture quality, LCD or Plasma.
They then had an argument that went on for half an hour,
they had contrasting views..

I was driving along the road the other day and decided to wrap a towel around my head....
I was feeling a little travel Sikh.

Polticially
That's Politically Incorrect.

A synagogue fell on me yesterday.
Ive been feeling a bit subjewed.

I was buying an iPod in Argos at the weekend and waiting for it at the delivery point.
First they brought me out a lawn mower by mistake, then a set of pans and finally a bike.
It was a catalogue of errors.

Lifts,
Drive me up the wall.

My sons girlfriend came round for the first time last night.
As she entered, my wife said "I like your shoes"
Seeing that the floor had just been cleaned, she took this as an indication to take her shoes off.
Following after her, I said "I like your skirt...."

My wife bought some beef to be minced for her spaghetti bolognese.
"Can you do some mincing?" She asked.
So I pouted my lips and used my finger to limply examine the kitchen counter for dust.

Rubbed salt and pepper into a hookers eyes the other night.
She's now going round calling herself a seasoned pro.

What did the Spanish fireman name his two kids?
Jose & Hose B

Many people have told me that it's impossible to change the gender of your dog without a professional. But who cares?
I'm gonna give it a crack.

I tried internet dating last night.
I traced it as far back as the 60s.