I wrote a book about noise.
You've probably heard about it.

I make over 300 a week on line.
I'm a train driver .

A man has died after falling into a vat full of Cadbury chocolate.
At least he died a Hero.

I'm doing some charity work next week if anyone is interested in sponsoring me. I'm going to be growing a tumor in aid of people with moustaches.

Well, It's That time of year again
12:30

I put out a fire today.
Because I felt it would be less dangerous in the garden than in my house.

I was telling my mate about how my wife backed the car into the garden gate and the insurance wouldn't pay out.
"I had to cough up 300 quid!" I said.
"Bad habit, that," said my mate.
"What?"
"Eating your money."

Easyjet. Because the air hostesses like to be boarded from the rear.

i hear osama's bin laden with bullets

My mate reckons due to increasing suicide rates, belts are set to be banned.
Brace yourselves.

BBC News - Type 2 Diabetes can be reversed
Big deal i can reverse ageing
gniega.

Reason why I love to juggle retinas?
Its eye catching.

I knew my ex-girlfriend was lying when she told me that she was 'the one'.
She dodged none of my bullets and died instantly.

There, their, and they're. Get it right, your in college!

I sneezed and my nose got bigger.
A Jew.

Newcastle has lowest number of registerd paedophile's,
Because all the kid's are ugly.

You know that burning feeling you get in your ears when someone is talking about you behind your back.
Turns out that someone was trying to tell me my hat was on fire.

I told my parents I could do better on my exams if they bought me some eels from the aquarium.
I ended up getting Morays.

I like checking out little girls.
Yes, my new job - stamping hands at the exit to Disney Land, is going well.

I was offered a Monopoly board game for free,
It was missing a few bits,
I said "No chance".

Since I moved to America, I spend all day at work pulling stupid faces.
I love my job as a plastic surgeon.

My ex-girlfriend told me that I had to go one week without using any sporting idioms or she would break up with me.
I fell at the first hurdle.

I've got to go to hospital today for a chest x-ray.
TB or not TB, that is the question.

As an avid trainspotter and casual pedophile, I have been most disappointed tonight and am now considering suing Babestation under the trades description act.

Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber.
I'd blubber too if I had to eat Whale meat.