I took my daughter for a ride on the carousel today.
The staff at Heathrow Airport were outraged.

Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I'd work in a LSD factory run by french ginger unicorns.

Some people say fitting hinges is a dead end job.
Personally, I think it opened a lot of doors.

Me & my brother couldn't tell which of us is the most productive artist.
We've decided to draw lots.

I decided to use a high-risk strategy to dry my washing today.
Everything was on the line.

I like to think Im technologically savvy,
I don't dry my washing in the tumble dryer anymore,
I do it all online.

BBC Headline: "Maths no better than in 1970s"
I wonder if they've realised it's a constant...

Just read on Operal Portal Homepage
"The parents of a French eight-year-old girl whose body was found in concrete are held on suspicion on manslaughter"
You've got to admit they have some solid edvidence!

We cant decide where to go for our holiday this year, Portugal or Greece. My wife was leaning towards Greece.
I wish she'd stand up straight when I'm talking to her.

I saw an advert for 4-head strips that you use when you have a migraine. We had them when I was growing up too.
We called it a flannel.

At work, my boss always abuses his power.
He has ten appliances plugged into a single socket.

Me and the wife were eating Sunday dinner, when I pulled a face and said
"God, there's too much fat...it's disgusting"
"Rubbish...it's a lovely lean joint", she replied.
I looked her up and down and said, "I wasn't talking about the roast love".

Drug dealers: Part of a joint workforce.

They promised my new guide dog will be delivered tomorrow.
Can't see that happening.

What do you call a loud dog that is underwater??
A subwoofer!!

I thought I'd finished my sudoku but it turned out I'd made a mistake right at the start.
I had to go back to square one.

My girlfriend calls me Earthquake.
I come unexpectedly.

I just ate a whole cake, or a doughnut as some people like to call them.

You have to hand it to chefs who make haggis.
It takes guts.

I steal human organs from corpses and distribute them on the black market.
My de-livery service is impeccable, although many are also disheartened.

I work at a sandwich shop. I'm the one who puts the fillings in.
That's my roll.

I bought some slug pellets today, but they are useless.
They won't fit in my air rifle.

My dollar-forging business has failed.
It made no cents.

It's a little known fact that Steve Jobs has a brother called Han.

Last night a saw a charity appeal on TV saying that because of all the chemicals being dumped into the sea many species of seaweed are dying and if we don't do something now they could disappear forever, how could I ignore such a desperate cry for kelp?