My girlfriend asked me if i knew a word that had all 5 vowels in it. I said "It's questionable....."

BBC News - "Beautiful boat girl mourned."
I've seen the pictures and it was a lovely craft.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.

An X-ray specialist married one of his patients.
Everybody wondered what he saw in her.

My missus had a go at me today for buying a load of broken pencils.
She said I always spend money on pointless things

My daughter walked down the stairs earlier looking really hot.
She said, "Dad, can you turn the heating down?"

Thought my nose was bleeding
Its snot.

My girlfriend has recently gone from a size 8 to a size 6.
She cut her toe nails.

A fox has just killed all my chickens.
I don't know how I'm going to recoup my losses.

I went to audition for a part in a play. The casting director said, "Do you truly believe that you could play the part of an amputee?"
I said, confidently, "I could do that with one arm tied behind my back!"

Threw a housewarming party last night.
The radiators were steaming.

I was listening to some daft punk on the radio the other day.
Turned out to be Johnny Rotten giving his political views.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Wow. Talk about a stiff penalty. I really don't like their penal system over there.

I just put up black out curtains in our front room....
The Africans next door aren't too happy

I'll be Ill if you remove the apostrophe

When it comes to dry ice systems, I haven't the foggiest.

I was being chased by the police, so I went and purchased a clock.
That bought me some time.

I got some books on kidnapping for sale - Any takers?

I don't like to brag but every time I go into a pub, I pull...
... And every time I leave, I push.

Looks like England have failed in their bid to secure the fee for World Cup.

I saw this midget today and said 'Hey - you're the guy who played that robot in Star Wars!'
he said 'I most certainly am not'
I said 'You are too!'

I was eating an apple when I thought 'PCs taste better.'

I tried walking onto an army base, but was stopped by a guard, who was only 5ft 4.
"Sorry, mate," he said, "you're not allowed on here."
I thought, "He's a little territorial."

I just saw a midget buying groceries with a bunch of change.
He was short.

I plan on raping the girl who's sat in front of me on the bus.
I hope she isn't alarmed.