My girlfriend asked me if i knew a word that had all 5 vowels in it. I said "It's questionable....."

BBC News - "Beautiful boat girl mourned."
I've seen the pictures and it was a lovely craft.

How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.

An X-ray specialist married one of his patients.
Everybody wondered what he saw in her.

My missus had a go at me today for buying a load of broken pencils.
She said I always spend money on pointless things

My daughter walked down the stairs earlier looking really hot.
She said, "Dad, can you turn the heating down?"

Thought my nose was bleeding
Its snot.

My girlfriend has recently gone from a size 8 to a size 6.
She cut her toe nails.

A fox has just killed all my chickens.
I don't know how I'm going to recoup my losses.

I went to audition for a part in a play. The casting director said, "Do you truly believe that you could play the part of an amputee?"
I said, confidently, "I could do that with one arm tied behind my back!"

Threw a housewarming party last night.
The radiators were steaming.

I was listening to some daft punk on the radio the other day.
Turned out to be Johnny Rotten giving his political views.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Wow. Talk about a stiff penalty. I really don't like their penal system over there.

I just put up black out curtains in our front room....
The Africans next door aren't too happy

I'll be Ill if you remove the apostrophe

When it comes to dry ice systems, I haven't the foggiest.

I was being chased by the police, so I went and purchased a clock.
That bought me some time.

I got some books on kidnapping for sale - Any takers?

What do you call an oriental woman who's just got over a bereavement?
Ko Ping Well

BBC News -
'Illegal film downloads 'up to 30%'
Incorrect, mine are on 75% and 89% and rising...

I bought an adult movie set in a Welsh valley - there are some incredible Cwm shots.

I like to run around with a horses head on a broom handle.
It's a hobby of mine.

I've been trying to pull a girl from the IT department but I think she's playing hard to get.
At first she told me that I turned her off...
Then on, then off again.

Me and my wife were out in a fancy restaurant yesterday.
I asked the waiter "Do you have any nice wine available? And how much will it cost?"
"Well sir we have 1855 Chateau Latour, that will cost 300." he replied.
"Well that sounds great" I said, putting my hand in my pocket "but I'll just give you 20p for one bottle now and I'll let you know if I want the other 1,854 bottles later."

You know you're a failure in life when you get beaten at Scrabble by a dyslexic.