I just bought a Hawaiian shirt.
It is covered in pictures of ham and pineapples

I went to the library today to return a book on abortions. The librarian told me to 'just dump it in that bin over there.'

"Sky News: Ex-Con: Short Sentences Don't Work".
I disagree.

I had to go to yesterday's fancy dress party as Batman.
I'd planned to go as Superman, but there was no S-cape.

What do you call an oriental woman who's just got over a bereavement?
Ko Ping Well

BBC News -
'Illegal film downloads 'up to 30%'
Incorrect, mine are on 75% and 89% and rising...

I bought an adult movie set in a Welsh valley - there are some incredible Cwm shots.

I like to run around with a horses head on a broom handle.
It's a hobby of mine.

I've been trying to pull a girl from the IT department but I think she's playing hard to get.
At first she told me that I turned her off...
Then on, then off again.

Me and my wife were out in a fancy restaurant yesterday.
I asked the waiter "Do you have any nice wine available? And how much will it cost?"
"Well sir we have 1855 Chateau Latour, that will cost 300." he replied.
"Well that sounds great" I said, putting my hand in my pocket "but I'll just give you 20p for one bottle now and I'll let you know if I want the other 1,854 bottles later."

You know you're a failure in life when you get beaten at Scrabble by a dyslexic.

I was talking to some police officers about some youths throwing milk bottles at me.
'Skimmed just over your head?
'I repied 'No, full fat just over my shoulder'

I went to a pub and asked for a strong gust of wind. They said they only served draught.

I'm starring in a new theatrical drama called 'Sword'.
It's a play on words.

Kevin Costner has a new job as a minder for Glasgow Rangers.
The Proddieguard

I've got too much on my plate to be worrying about gluttony.

Does anyone else think I have a clone, or is it just me?

"Why won't you just be happy for me?!" - Girl with a Dwarf fetish.

This bloke at the sewage plant was complaining that there was too much feces to process.
Then again, a bad workman always blames his stools.

I'm not a big fan of archery. Too many drawbacks.

Because of our lack of clean clothes, my wife decided to put on the washing machine.
Now she looks ridiculous!

What do you call a Frenchman throwing a grenade in his kitchen in 1812?
Linoleum Blownaparte.

As I watched a spider slowly walk down my arm, I thought, "He's going out on a limb there."

I'm selling five hundred fake E's at half price if anyone's interested.
There's no rush.

Insanity does not run through my family.
Rather, it takes a stroll through, getting to know everyone personally.