I couldn't finish all my food so the waitress asked me, "Ecxuse me sir, do you wanna box for that?"
"No, but I'll armwrestle you for it." I replied

I had a panic in the kitchen the other day:
"We're getting very low on herbs and thyme is running out".

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car?
He was playing on the road again.

I was walking to my car in the Red Light District earlier today. A woman was lent against my car.
"Hand-job?" she asked.
"No," I replied, "it's fully automatic."

How do doctors test urine?
Knock on your door and wait for a response.

I went to a surprise party.
I was surprised when they let me in.

I lost a Hand to a Crocodile,
With its beady eyes, it had a formiddible poker face.

A bloke tried to convince me he was a ghost today.
But I saw right through him.

Surgeons removed my jaw by mistake.
Well, what could I say?

When I first saw you, I wanted to be inside you - I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen...
Oh, how I love my new shoes.

My new girlfriend is very adventurous in the bedroom.
Last night I found her trying to scale the wardrobe without a safety harness.

When we were kids we used to make our own entertainment.
Spitting off bridges was my favourite game.
We called it ''Catarrh Hero.''

I dont really know much about computers, but my idea of a hard drive is an hour in the car with my wife.

Been asked to come up with a method of neatly storing post-lobotomy body parts at the hospital.
I've been racking my brains ever since.

My wife woke me up at 6am this morning just to tell me she was on her way to brush some leaves off the drive.
I hate it when she makes sweeping statements like that.

I was walking in the park earlier when a little Labrador puppy came running up to me. He was so cute that I had to pick him up but his owner screamed at me instantly, "Put him down."
I thought it was strange and harsh but I obliged by smashing the little guy's head against the wall.

Life is like a midget at the urinal...
... you have to be on your toes.

They've just opened a Disneyland in Glasgow so I took the kids there today to check it out.
There was a sign on the gate saying
"Sorry, it disney open on Sundays."

I looked out into my garden to see a load of small black birds that were all speaking Russian.
I think it was a flock of Stalin's.

Apparently Russell Brand has a book out called 'My Booky Wooky'.
Personally, I hope he opens a bank.

I've just seen a pot of tea an some biscuits fly a plane into a building.
It was 9-elevenses.

Once, a farmer had 3 beautiful daughters. One night, each one of these daughters was waiting for their dates to show up. The farmer had never met these dates before, and decided to greet them at the door with a shotgun to see if they were good enough for his daughters. The first date showed up and the farmer greeted him at the door with his shotgun.
The date said "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer liked this date, and sent Joe and Flo on their way.
The second date shows up and the farmer greets him with his shotgun. The date says "Hi I'm Eddie, i'm here for Betty, we're gunna get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer liked this date too, and sent Eddie and Betty on their way.
The third date shows up and once again the farmer greets him with a shotgun. The date says "Hi I'm Chuck...", and the farmer shot him...

I questioned my girlfriend after a 'girls night out'. Now she's in hospital with serious burns. Maybe i shouldn't have grilled her so much.

After my girlfriend left me, my friends wondered how I would cope.
It seems I'm holding my own.

What's the best way to kill a man...?
Add a 'w' and an 'o'.