I told my friend not to dig beneath me to find gold but he went ahead and undermined me.

It took a lot of guts for my ex-girlfriend to ring me and tell me that she was pregnant with my child, had it in secret and gave it up for adoption.
I didn't know she had it in her.

Let me introduce you to the two major tools that were used to free the miners.
Firstly, there was this huge airtight tube...
And, well, you know the drill.

Did you hear about the constipated alphabet?
It needed a vowel movement.

The missus was having a really bad attack of wind this morning. First it was like cabbage, then peas, then sprouts!
Honestly, I've never smelt anything Grocer!

I asked The Fonz actor Henry Winkler in a pub, who he thinks will win tonights boxing match.
He looked at me, punched the jukebox, and said 'Hayeee'.

I spent all morning talking to a fellow member of the Xhosa tribe.
We just clicked.

I was insulted when my wife called me the biggest racist she'd ever come across.
Time to shed some weight I reckon.

Paid a woman to pose as my girlfriend at a social gathering. On our way home I got a bit touchy and she pulled a gun on me.
Who would've thought it, an armed escort.

I've just started a removals company called U2.
We move in Mysterious Ways.

I've given my wife a pet name
Rover.

I bought a new concealer for my girlfriend today...
Useless. My wife still saw her.

If there's one thing I learned in school, it's to never judge a crook by his colour

I told my mate I rode to work on a camel the other day.
He said "I bet you got some stares?"
I said "No I just jumped up as best I could."

So, I hear the world is going to end in 2012!?
I don't know about you guys but Armageddon outta here.

Ever since my wife kicked me out of the house three weeks ago I have been squatting.
It won't surprise you to learn that I have a thunderous pair of thighs now.

I was walking along a street decorated with rows of compact discs, which was no surprise as it was a seedy part of town.

"Gaddafi ducks rebel attacks"
I knew Bugs Bunny would push him too far one day.

My wife said she's leaving me because i always say the opposite of what i mean.
I hope she doesn't, i love her!

I did a pencil drawing of me bareback riding my teacher.
She said, "Use a rubber or you'll regret it!"
"It's a deal" I said

I found out last night the best way to hail a taxi is by flashing g-stings at the taxi drivers.
Although it did work better when the wife did it.

I've just seen my swimming instructors having a fight over buoyancy aids.
They've been at each others floats for months now.

I've just bought a carpet.
Think I'll call him Rover.

A bloke in the pub said a shoal of fish came out of the Atlantic and hit his wife.
Sounds like codswallop to me.

Bringing up children is an heir raising experience.