I have an addiction with the main body of plants.
People call me a stalker.

I've just sat through a five hour long seminar on how to make a hole.
It was boring.

"I love the thmell of napalm in the morning." - Apocalisp Now.

Bombs are said to be the cause of over 100 deaths every five minutes.
Just thought i'd throw that one out there.

I got a text earlier, when my phone suddenly blew up!
Turns out it was a Semtext.

I've just spent last week making a film about the best place to store beer.
It's in the can.

Ive got a joke to keep Rabbis happy but I think its a jew placate.

A fire near where I live took fifty Firemen to put out.
Might have been quicker to use Water.

I was steering my boat the other day with my stomach muscles.
I was ab sailing.

I decided to get the misses some festive earrings this year with little mince pies on.
Now that's pioneering stuff.

My wife always moans at me for typing in capitals.
I wish she would get off my case.

IKEA are putting a small levy on a selected range of products to provide aid for the victims of the Haitian earthquake.
Please look out for the specially labelled range of Flat Black Furniture.

I just saw the segment on BBC NEWS "What did we learn from Vancouver about how different countries co-operate?"
All I could think of was that Georgians don't get along with Poles as well as once thought.

The jokes about those Russians jumping off the block of flats are about a step too far.

My wife said we've got to go to the Next sale this weekend.
I don't even remember going to the first one.

Stephen Hawking has had to have his new chair made by apple, apparently microsoft are fed up with him licking his windows

I've tried everything I can think of to win back my wife.
Monopoly, darts, even Rock, Paper, Scissors.
I probably shouldn't have wagered her in that card game in the first place.

I'm addicted to cutting my own brake cables.
I just can't stop.

I released a film about erectile dysfunction.
It turned into a big flop.

My doctor said I have ADD.
So he precribed me with SUBTRACT.

My favourite musician is Handle.
Who later teamed up with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors.

Gutted. Some bird invited me to a party but I forgot to RSPB.

In school I wanted to join the debating team.
But someone talked me out of it.

My mates say I'd chase anything wearing a skirt.
Not true, I sometimes wear leggings.

I used to be a dyslexic arsonist but I'm alight now