An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, "Wallaby?"
The marsupial says, "I'll have a pint, please."

I usually go to my local bank just down the road, but today I walked an extra 2 miles to the one on the edge of town.
I'm branching out.

News: Man with stutter jailed indefinitely.
He'll never reach the end of his sentence.

Following the trend set by Steve Jobs, I've decided to start a fruit and veg company called "Laptop."

I'll tell you what really makes my girlfriend wet.
Water.

I bought a knock-off DVD on skydiving.
It won't stop jumping.

Sky News: Cheryl Cole Draws In Big Crowds.
I prefer drawing when I'm on my own.

I've joined a new club where people come to share their oxo recipes.
The London Stock Exchange

I spent all my wages on bottles of aftershave, and now I can't afford food for the rest of the month.
I have more scents than money.

I don't do things by halves.
Which is probably why I lost my job as a barman.

My dyslexic dentist thinks that I have high morals.
So I need braces.

I handed in my notice at work today.
I got rather bored of holding up that "Golf Sale" sign all day.

I just came back from a concert in Germany. Krautsurfers everywhere.

Someone put a note through my door this morning, it said 10-7=3.
I'm sick of these takeaway leaflets.

My mate just told me that his light bulb had been swearing at him and calling him allsorts.
I looked at the light for a moment.
"That's not on".

My son said, "Is it ok to make fun of the lady on CBeebies?"
I said, "Sure, I can't see any arm."

I was playing poker with a few of my mates.
I had a bad hand, so I folded my cards.
My mate then went mad saying that he only bought the deck yesterday.

My son does my head in sometimes. ALL I asked him to do was keep an eye on my soup so it didn't boil over while I was in the shower, but he didn't move a muscle. My wife said to cut him some slack, but he could have EASILY climbed over the wall of his cot if he wanted to

The people in my office need to stop buying superfluous equipment. A calculator here, an abacus there... It all adds up, you know.

To be fair, I'd have to spend a fortune on hair dye.

Me and my friend used to spend all our time together in a treehouse but then we fell out.

Just heard about the flooding in Ireland, apparently the water level is Dublin.

I just bought a waffle iron. I hate creased waffles.

Everest may not be as tall as it claims to be,
According to mountain allegations.

I'm a borderline racist.
I hate the pakis on this side of it.