My mates said they were going to get me a new digital clock for my birthday.
Turns out it was just a wind up.

This tramp said to me, "You got any spare change mate?"
I said, "No, I've got exactly the right amount."

Owls really are wise. I just asked one what 235 times 12 was and he said 2820.

I found my wife lying unconscious on the ground, so I called her an ambulance.
She didn't respond though. I think she might be dead.

People are always telling me to get fit.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. I just made a killing on the Stock Market.
I took my AK-47 to the local Abattoir.

I applied for a student loan the other day and they said no.
Apparently you can't take kids home from school and keep them for the weekend.

I started a business making coffee in paper cups.
Never went far to be honest ... it's a mug's game.

Why are Chavs so unbalanced?
Because they have plenty of front, but no backbone.

Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow not really getting anywhere. He was furious. Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental.
He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.

Don't you just hate it when you die for not sending chainmail...

Guy walks into a butchers with an extra large condom in his hand and says,
"Pound of fillet"
"Tenner ye don't", replies the butcher.

I change the colour of peoples clothes for a living.
It's a dyeing trade.

Air - that's one thing that gets up my nose.

I used to make Draughts and Chess boards.
I have a very chequered past.

Why should you avoid touching liquid nitrogen?
Scald.

A piece of wood just showed me which path I should follow. It must be a sign.

Mephedrone banned.
Got to feel sorry for the piano teachers.

BBC News: "Teacher CCTV shows attack aftermath."
Oh...I thought he was a science teacher.

My house was broken into last night and I found a note saying "we have your Sun, we want 100,000 or you'll never be reunited".
Either their spelling is terrible or they have a fetish for newspapers.

You need to have eyes in the back of your head when you've got kids.
With hindsight, I wish I'd never had any.

I thought I'd have a take away tonight.
So I snuck next door and took their Shepherds Pie.

Is it solipsistic today or is it just me?

I treat my wife like a punch-bag.
I bought her with the best intentions but ended up just leaving her in the garage.

Did you hear about the Swiss kid who entered the Special Needs press up contest? Well he won it.
Hans Down.