War Horse - the touching new film about a Geordie pimp.

I never respected other peoples customs.
Which is why I was arrested for drug smuggling.

My friend was killed by a lion.
I told him they contain nuts but he didn't believe me.

Since we got married, my wife's been having the time of her life.
It's like her time of the month, but it never ends.

My gran has this antique vase that she said would go for twenty grand "under the hammer".
So I smashed it.

I was at a small comeback gig for Frankie Goes To Hollywood, when a lunatic ran on stage and halted proceedings.
He placed a gun to the lead singers head and shouted near the microphone. "I HATE YOUR MUSIC, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD."
It seems I most definitely should not have called out, "relax, don't do it."

My mate is thinking of starting up a three piece band with a pianist, a drummer and himself on vocals. He's really going for it and thinks they're gonna go all the way. But I don't know...
He seems a bit Keane to me.

You should have seen my wife's face yesterday when I gave her a load of fake jewellery for Christmas.
Comedy gold.

My mate's a professional contortionist who got kicked out of his flat on Christmas Day for failing to keep up with his rent.
He's been living out of a suitcase ever since.

You're not supposed to judge people by appearances.
But I met Frank Bruno, and after an hour's conversation I still think he's black.

I've just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine.
I was delighted to receive a free pen.

I remember as a kid I got Chlamydia, Pneumonia and Syphilis.
Needless to say, I came last at the Spelling Bee.

Of all the nuts out there, pistachios are by far the worst behaved.
They all come from broken homes.

I said to the girl next door, "I'm always at your disposal."
She replied, "Yes I know. Now please stay away from my bins or I'll call the police."

There I was, racking my brains when the Manager came over and said, "Oi! You're getting Cerebrospinal fluid all over my pool table!"

My Girlfriend wanted a fairytale wedding, so I only spent twenty quid on it.
It was a bit Grimm.

I said to a mate of mine, "Did you know that continental quilts keep you far warmer than conventional bedding?"
He said, "Duvet really?"

There was a programmer in our workplace that got employee of the month and got promoted.
He got arrays.

I'm a puppeteer - I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

If my mom was a methodist, and my dad was a spiritualist, does that make me a methylated spirit?

A mate of mine was telling me that he has got a twelve inch sub in the boot of his car.
He should really keep that in the fridge.

The people of Gaza don't appreciate my malapropisms.
They're such Palestines.

Went to a dating event last night and all the girls there seemed to be walking funny.
Turns out it was a shingles night.

My wife has a remarkable body.
Every time a bruise heals I give her another.

I've just heard that they've started paying for donations at the local sperm bank.
I'm going to splash out on a new pair of shoes.