What do I have in common with an armless man?
We both struggle to pull.

When I was made redundant at the airlock factory they told me:
"Remember, as one door closes another one opens."

Feeling guilty after stealing Trivial Pursuit.
I'm going to have to ask myself some very difficult questions.

One time I dared my little brother to drink a cup of acid.
He hasn't spoken to me since.

Someones stolen my cup of coffee. I've been mugged.

I nearly drove into a group of amputees.
Thankfully I missed them by a few feet.

I can't believe the Germans are ok with this. It's clearly crossed the line.
Six million Jews is just too much.

I bought a piano today for a thousand pounds.
It's a grand piano.

BBC News; Man accused of throwing toddler against wall.
That'll never stick!

BBC News: Afghan civilian toll rises
I thought we had it bad with the congestion charge.

My five-year old daughter just came up to me and said "Daddy, I want to be a dolphin! Please, please, please make me into a pretty dolphin!"
So I sat her down and said, "Honey, I can't do that. But I can give you the next best thing! Hugs and tickles!"
Then I hugged her tightly and gave her ten tickles.
She was not amused; None of her clothes fit her now that she's a squid.

A picture is worth a thousand words.
And they usually start with: "Honestly officer, I have no idea how that got on my computer!".

I told my wife I'd bought a goat yesterday.
She said, "Oh lovely you did need one. Bet it's all warm inside. And when it gets too hot you can put it round your waist."
At first I thought she'd misheard me, then I realised that I was welsh and thought "fair dos."

Saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of guinness.
Thought to myself, that guy can really hold his drink.

After spending hours skipping through fields of flowers I am now forced to admit I have a gambolling problem.

Me and my mates were playing a game of Charades, when one of them just jumped in and started acting like a washing powder.
That was Bold.

I managed to lose a stone over Christmas.
Now the loving daughter of John Barlow, 1940-2010, has no idea where her dad is buried.

I was in the bookies yesterday and absolutely cleaned up.
It was bank holiday too, so I got time and a half.

I had a plasterer round earlier
He said "Mate, you need the paramedics for a broken leg"

Tescos had a special on today, he was packing shelves

Sitting there in my after school detention, I wondered if I had perhaps misunderstood the teacher when he asked us to put our stools on the desk.

I walked into the pub and got a round of applause.
Never heard of it before but it tasted alright.

It's an item, placed into an auction upon which people who wish to own it can bid.
Well, that explains a lot..

I just heard a rumour that the Arabs want to blow up Big Ben.
I hope the police catch them.
But it's a race against the clock.

I think I have just walked into a club full of vampires.
The black guy behind the bar just asked, "Yo, do you wanna drink blud?"