After years of beating the tax man, he's finally caught up with me.
I wish he'd never joined my running club.

Scientists have been working on a jab to calm down sufferers of ADHD
Apparently if you catch them on the jaw with sufficient force it can calm them down for a good hour or so.

I named my dumbells Sainsburys and Morrisons.
I'm a shoplifter

Time for a paradox.

BBC News: News of the world folded
I wouldn't worry, this happens all the time.

I was feeling dirty in bed last night so my girlfriend got up and put on her maid's outfit.
And changed the sheets

Sky news: Boy aged 2, dies after fire rescue.
I imagine the Fire Department will think twice before employing 2 year olds again.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

I've just been attacked by a flock of birds.
Raven lunatics, it was murder.

I just climbed the second highest mountain in the world. Mount Everer.

After being caught with cocaine at school the headmaster asked me to choose my punishment. I replied "I'll do lines".

I saw mystical medieval tube of toothpaste in Tesco.
It said 'Heal thy gums.'

My mate was dying of cancer so I decided to send him a get well soon card, but knowing the state of the royal mail I sent a sympathy card to his mum instead.

I just saw my wife masturbating with a prosthetic limb.
I thought to myself "She is gonna do herself some serious arm"

My mate needed something to make himself sick.
I said "How about eating out of date chinese food?"
He said "Now thats using the old noodle"

Eyewitnesses said that they could hear the cries of terror as Sean Kingston headed for the bridge.
They added that this was the first time they had ever heard a bridge speak.

When life gives you lemons, make abstract lemon art.
Life won't expect that.

I knew a man who chopped down trees in his sleep.
He was a slumberjack

Trying to find evidence that a farmer is a drug addict is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...
...especially when you're standing behind Pippa Middleton.

This inflation rate is great.
I pumped my tyres in under 10 seconds.

Step one: Buy a sheep.
Step two: Name it "Relation".
Now you have a relationsheep.

I've started up a mobile disco to make a some extra cash, but I'm being sued for ruining a wedding I did last night.
I only had two ringtones on my phone.

What do you call an angry handjob?
Tug of war.

Red sky at night - shepherds delight.
Red sky in morning - Global warming.