After years of beating the tax man, he's finally caught up with me.
I wish he'd never joined my running club.

Scientists have been working on a jab to calm down sufferers of ADHD
Apparently if you catch them on the jaw with sufficient force it can calm them down for a good hour or so.

I named my dumbells Sainsburys and Morrisons.
I'm a shoplifter

Time for a paradox.

BBC News: News of the world folded
I wouldn't worry, this happens all the time.

I was feeling dirty in bed last night so my girlfriend got up and put on her maid's outfit.
And changed the sheets

I've started up a mobile disco to make a some extra cash, but I'm being sued for ruining a wedding I did last night.
I only had two ringtones on my phone.

What do you call an angry handjob?
Tug of war.

Red sky at night - shepherds delight.
Red sky in morning - Global warming.

Matt Damon's wife has threatened to divorce him unless he shaves more regularly.
It's the Braun Ultimatum.

To save money, I had my profession printed on my business cards as "Archaeolo".
You get the gist.

My girlfirend has just listed her 9 favourite qualities in me:
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

If spare ribs are spare, how come my local Chinese restaurant charges a fortune for them?

What's the hardest part about taking an art foundation course?
Managing to fake a smile for twenty years as you continually serve people Big Macs.

My PC is so slow this morning, I swear if it had a tongue it would lick the screen.

If you support capital punishment, then you want hanging.

Maths teachers have got a lot of problems.

I've got almost all of Stephen King's books.
He keeps asking for them back.

Sky news: Boy aged 2, dies after fire rescue.
I imagine the Fire Department will think twice before employing 2 year olds again.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.

I've just been attacked by a flock of birds.
Raven lunatics, it was murder.

I just climbed the second highest mountain in the world. Mount Everer.

After being caught with cocaine at school the headmaster asked me to choose my punishment. I replied "I'll do lines".

I saw mystical medieval tube of toothpaste in Tesco.
It said 'Heal thy gums.'

My mate was dying of cancer so I decided to send him a get well soon card, but knowing the state of the royal mail I sent a sympathy card to his mum instead.