Matt Damon's wife has threatened to divorce him unless he shaves more regularly.
It's the Braun Ultimatum.

To save money, I had my profession printed on my business cards as "Archaeolo".
You get the gist.

My girlfirend has just listed her 9 favourite qualities in me:
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

If spare ribs are spare, how come my local Chinese restaurant charges a fortune for them?

What's the hardest part about taking an art foundation course?
Managing to fake a smile for twenty years as you continually serve people Big Macs.

My PC is so slow this morning, I swear if it had a tongue it would lick the screen.

If you support capital punishment, then you want hanging.

Maths teachers have got a lot of problems.

I've got almost all of Stephen King's books.
He keeps asking for them back.

'Boy 16 convicted of killing girl for free breakfast'
That's very young for a cereal killer.

I asked a rioter if the army should help.
`No tanks,' replied a Jamaican.

Me and the lads have a brilliant weekend ahead. Our Chinese mate has invited us to go to Reading for the weekend.
Although I'm not exactly sure what he meant by me being the 'best man', and having to prepare a speech. It was completely beyond me.

I was asked to appear in a film about walking dogs.
I've got the lead.

Fisting just ain't doing it for my girlfriend anymore.
I'm gonna have to start using my head to save this relationship.

Mix your metaphors, it's not rocket surgery.

I made it my mission to take cocaine in every country in Europe..
And after 3 months, I've finally made it to the Finnish line.

I was in a crowded pub with my mate, when he suddenly sprayed me with fluorescent paint.
Wish he'd stop showing me up like that.

My Asian friend hates it when I swap the letters 'L' and 'R' on his keyboard.

'Win a trolley full of goodies.' The Tesco advert said in the newspaper.
Imagine my disappointment after being informed I'd won to find Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke Taylor left in a trolley outside my house tonight.

My mate William is looking for a house share but hasn't really had any luck.
All the ones he's seen so far say 'No Bills'.

Decided to cut ties with my children yesterday.
Got kicked out of Debenhams after five minutes though.

How does a matador like his coffee?
Au lait!

Our book club challenged us to read a 1000 page book in a day. I chose the Greater London road atlas. I'm streets ahead of the rest

There was loads of coppers at my local church yesterday.
I wish people would give more generously.

I walked into a bar that a was full of lonely fat chicks eating crisps.
It must have been Pringles night.