My cat is called glue.
I know it's a funny name, but it kinda stuck.

Went home last night with some tart.
It was a strawberry one.

My wife wants to call our newborn daughter 'Tranquility'.
"You can't call her that" I said, "that's Lunar sea."

I'm regretting telling my fit neighbour that I would sort her roofing problem.
I just can't facia.

I travelled 200 miles to an Effingham factory today, when I got there, they had none left!

I've been getting into cars lately.
I've realised it's much more comfortable than sitting on the roof.

Apparently there's a new motion picture currently in production which will tell the story of a large carton of organic free-range eggs.
It's to be called The Dirty Dozen.

Vincent tabback says he killed johanna yeates purely by chance,
Yet another case of monopoly related violence.

My mate was fired from his job as dog catcher because he kept bringing in dogs with tags.
Turned out he was collarblind.

Some people say that I don't understand how to use simple catchphrases, but I guess that's just the way the other half live.

My nitrous oxide-infused beer was announced with a big brouhaha.

Buildings which weren't built for horses are unstable.

Ive been seeing a girl from my orienteering club for a few weeks now,but I think it's fizzling out.
We are not really going anywhere.

I met mini me's 2nd wife yesterday
Her name was Bigamy

An antiques dealer said to me, "What do you think of the Chinese Dynasty?"
I said," It's very badly dubbed."

I booked myself into the ''Double Candy'' hotel.
It had a suite ring to it.

Paedophilia can put you in a tight spot.

My dyslexic brother signed up to some conservation society.
He couldn't understand why they just sat around talking

Some other rock climber fell to his death today right after he waved at me.
Guess you can say he went out on a hi.

I think morgues are really unfashionable.
I certainly wouldnt be caught dead in one.

My wife was having a go at me earlier because I'd forgotten to redecorate the bathroom, but I was miles away.
In The Caribbean, in fact. I must remember to leave my phone behind next time.

'Haven't you ever considered getting a job that involves telescopes?'
'Well I guess that's something I could look in to.'

Just saw a sign: "No hanging ham. Offenders will be proscuittoted."

I Found my wife in the bathroom cleaning the cat...
I think she didnt understand what i said to her last night.

So apparently military wives are beating Little Mix.
Lets hope they have proper baseball bats.