I just had an argument with the wife and I'm in the doghouse again.
Doesn't matter. At least I've got a good excuse to be in here this time.

To those of you who have lost loved ones to kidney infections and diseases,
Urine our prayers.

If it wasn't for us, the USA would be a third of what it is today.

I always find it satisfying when I get jury duty.
Means i'm not a suspect!

I beat the Queen at strip poker last night.
I got a royal flash.

My wife has told me as soon as our first baby is born, sacrifices will have to be made.
I suppose we'll start with the baby.

I invented a machine gun that fires 2p and 1p coins.
Now we'll see who's afraid of change.

My wife blames me for her stroke.
She says I taught her the wrong way to hold her racquet.

My best mate Arthur, has a round table and a cat called Merlin.
I can't help but laugh; Arthur is an old man's name.

Washing machines live longer with cowgone
well she was the only one who knew how to use it

I hate my job as a fish monger.
The plaice stinks.

CASE just CASE
That's just incase...

Does anyone else find it amusing that the German translation for Vaseline is "Shlippidich"!

I've just read on Skytext that a man who was pulled from the sea by lifeguards after getting into trouble has been described as 'idiotic' by local Police after it emerged he had been drinking heavily.
Seems a bit harsh to me, if you're drowning in the sea you're bound to swallow a few drops.

Seaside towns, are they all judged by their piers?

Last night I dropped a bottle of wine and three beers.
I can't handle my drink.

I went to get a booster at the hospital yesterday and the nurse gave me a really sore jab.
So I punched her back across the face.

I'm delusional, or I think I am anyway.

I recently got a job with a top accountancy. It didn't work out.

Was at work, working at a dog treat factory today. Saw my boss strolling towards me, so I busied myself.
'You're making a right pigs ear of that Miller' He said.
I said, 'Oh, why thankyou sir!'. Nice to receive a compliment once in a while.

They say that 90 percent of accidents happen in the home.
That's why I spend most my time round my mates house, just to be on the safe side.

If you write the word Chinese in itallics you get a slanty eye

My great-grandparents are pretty average really.

Got arrested for beating my girlfriend. Which is a sign that she takes chess far too seriously.

If you ever come across a fork in the road.
You're probably outside a chip shop.