The local paedophile was arrested for washing and cutting children's hair.
Police say he was grooming them.

The popemobile is useless.
Not enough free texts.

What do you get if you cross the Equator with a hot air balloon?
Further south.

An albino zebra walks into a bar.
The barman says ''I thought you were barred?''

Some bloke offered to find my missing guide dog.
He's a Labrador retriever.

Three black guys broke into my house at 12:58,
I punched two of them then my clock struck one.

Sky news
"Man with one leg lost job at barclays bank"
I bet he couldn't keep his balance steady?

My mate's a builder. He reckons his hands are so rough he can plane timber with them.
I've had enough of his callous lies.

When visiting London recently I was very impressed with the range of restaurants near The Big Ben. They serve great food around the clock.

My wife's mum died last week, in her chair whilst doing a crossword.
Ever since it happened, I've been sneaking in puns about how she died to our conversations, and its been really winding my wife up.
Earlier today, we went to visit her mum's grave for the first time.
She said, "Right, whilst we're here, show some respect. No crossword puns at all, ok?"
"Ok."
"Right, now which one is my mum's grave?"
"3 down, 4 across."

I've just been down to the pub and had five pints of fresh orange juice.
Now I can't talk properly.
I think I'm pithed.

Saw some fit scottish girl the other day, so naturally I was ayeing her up.

My car's so old, it retyred.

Taking advantage of the great weather, I was in the sun earlier
Which is why I'm up on charges for incest...

Not a single person is in a relationship.

The wife said, "Say one more innuendo and I'm leaving you!"
"What, even a little slip up?"

I've recently broke up with my poor, black girlfriend.
She'll ghettover it.

A word that contains 2.8 circles is cool.

A policeman asked me, "Where were you on the evening of your wife's death?"
I said, "I was going door to door with my new business, delivering alcohol to those in need after 11pm, it's a simple effective service; customers can order via telephone, or over the internet."
"How convenient," said the officer.

The jokes on the back of Penguin bars are just getting worse and worse. Take this one for instance -
"Allergy advice: Contains gluten, milk and soya".

I went outside this morning and a cup fell out of the sky and smashed on my head.. and then another cup smashed on the floor in front of me and another one on my shoulder. I went back inside the house and my girlfriend said "what's the weather like?"
"It's a bit muggy!" I said.

I've always hated facial hair, but I must admit my Movember moustache is growing on me.

What do you get if you cross a pelican and a zebra?
Two streets further away.

Apparently Stephen Hawking is to run a marathon.
Is he off his trolley?

I wound up my eldest son last night by telling him I'm going to leave my entire estate to charity.
I like to let let my heir down now and again.