I've been described as an apathetic coward.
I'm afraid I couldn't care less.

My wife has just told me she wants to tie the knot.
Which is great! I had no idea she was into S&M

There was a french homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the "biggest shoe"
complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine

When I couldn't remember the name of the dog in The Wizard Of Oz, my wife started giving me clues.
I soon put To and to together.

What's wrapped in aluminium foil and hangs around the cathedral?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame

Sleep is a great thing. You'll never tire of it.

Police have been called to an accident involving an ice cream van,
A spokesman said " we may have to cone the area off ".

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

Pakis.
Putting the ''how?'' into shower.

Being 22 stone in this hot weather is like being Michael Jackson.
Im always very close to a 3ft Fan.

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

My electric toothbrush came with the warning "Do not charge while turned on or battery may explode".
I don't get why charging my toothbrush while brandishing a raging hard-on is going to cause an explosion.

My Mum is a top international finance lawyer.
That's why she's gone to Iceland

Be careful when taking sleeping pills.
You don't want to accidentally overdoze.

I came third at the National Tanning Championships.
I got bronze.

I got arrested the other day for vandalising the axioms of mathematics.
I got let off though, nothing could be proved...

I met a smelly goose the other day.
It honked.

My wife wants me to be more tender.
She attacked me with a meat hammer.

I got arrested today for having smelly feet..
It was the last two pieces of the corpse I still had to dispose of.

I've invented a new board game that combines chess, Connect4 and Battleships.
It's called Rook, Line and Sinker.

I was messing around with my mate at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln.
The boss fired us both.

While over here touring Great Britain, the Pope is hoping to visit a few Catteries around the country, because he really loves cats.
I suppose you could say he's a Catholic.

This gypsy lady came up to me today.
She said "I'm selling heather, are you interested?"
I said "Sure, how old is she?"

I've just bought a rocking horse.
It's a pony with Parkinson's.

What do you call a man with a pole down his trousers?
Rodney