My mate asked "Who was that lady i seen you with?" I corrected him "I saw". He replied "Ok, who was that eyesore i seen you with?"

In the News: 'Man chokes to death on pudding'
...obviously a dessert not to be trifled with.

I woke up to a racket this morning.
My tennis playing wife has a strange sense of humour.

I'm a tour guide in Brazil and on the bus, I said, "If you look to your left, you will see a giant man made out of stone."
A bloke at the back shouted, "Statue?"
I said, "No, it's Christ The Redeemer."

Beyonce is pregnant, but it's not Jay-Z's.
It's Destiny's Child.

My girlfriend always puts little 'x' at the end of her texts.
Although why she insists on putting her age in Roman numerals I don't know.

I got hit by a car in Paris the other day and a French guy came upto me and said "Cest la vie"
So I replied "La vie!"
But it didn't help.

2012.
Get rich or die Mayan.

My grandfather was a bitter man...
He hated any other types of beer.

"an incorrect palindrome" read backwards is still an incorrect palindrome.

"Petrol's gone up again." I said to my wife.
As I extinguished my cigarette and quickly reversed away from the fiery remains of the 'Tesco' service station.

GEGS
Scrambled eggs

Have you seen those bottles of wine with Braille on them?
Must be for when you get blind drunk.

A 'good lover' always comes after his 'girlfriend'.
Alphabetically.

I tried taking a picture of a man with an artificial arm, but couldn't.
Maybe I should use a camera instead.

A drunken tramp approaches a man who is looking under the bonnet of his car.
"Wash the problem?" the drunk asks.
"Oh, piston broke," the man replies.
"Yesh, I know the feeling," says the drunken man.

My Agatha Christie 'murder mystery' duvet cover finally arrived in the post.
Can't wait to open the package & see how it all unfolds

I just got hit in the head by a falling number 7.
It struck me as odd.

A dustman is collecting the bins when an old woman comes out of her house in her nightdress and curlers.
'Am I too late for the rubbish?' She asks.
'Course not dear' replies the dustman. 'Hop in.'

I got a new jet plane but it only goes as far as the western isles of Scotland.
Skye is the limit.

My wife is so stupid. She knows I cheat on her all the time but she just keeps talking about our trusty shoes.

The neighbours always complain when my girlfriend visits because she's so noisy when she comes.
But this morning, I finally took her car to Kwik Fit for a new exhaust.

I tried a new OCD-themed restaurant today.
It wasn't bad but you do have to order everything on the menu.

My daughter reminds me of a cute little bunny...
I run her over in my car.

My mate was livid when I started pulling loads of skids on his brand new top of the range mountain bike.
Ive told him Ill clean his seat but hes still not happy.