In my post today there was a rapping magazine and some bananas.
Must be black mail.

A detective i knew dropped his iPhone today
He cracked the case

Robbie Williams got a phone call from America's best female bodyguard earlier.
She offered him protection.

My wife is so fat she eats her dinner with a knife and forklift truck

"Do you come here often?" asked the woman in the sperm clinic.

I'm not saying I have trust issues, because you'll tell everybody.

A friend of mine had a breakdancing accident so I popped into the hospital to see him.
He said "Alright, don't rub it in".

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

I've always wanted to be an extra-orbital propulsion technician.
It sounds really hard.
But it's not rocket science.

I think my girlfriend has got thrush,
In fact... scratch that

I hate the old tramp who lives under the railway bridge.
He's my arch enemy.

My English teacher tells me I should stop using verbs in place of adjectives.
I can't be doing with that.

I poured my cat out some milk the other day
Still don't know how he got in there

Newcastle are to get a new crime drama TV series.
It's called CS:YI

This thing with the 33 Chilean miners stuck in a small room together underground is just like Big Brother.
They'll be boring for another two months as well.

I'm fed up with 'Eat as much as you can' deals.

I suck the end really slow and watch the white begin to flow.
I can't resist licking the rim before I thrust my tongue right in.
Cadbury's Cream Egg; How do you eat yours?

For a joke, a friend of mine sprayed me with a liquid that turned quickly turned into a vapour that was dangerous to inhale.
I was fuming.

I decided to write some jokes about my eyes.
They started off bad, but then they got cornea.

I've found a website where, if you log on to it, they give you a free chain.
I'll send you the link.

BBC News - "Lord made false claims". Everyone knows that.
As if he 'made the World in seven days'.

I have been down the maternity ward and the nurses have been swearing at me and insulting me
I think I'm having a mid-wife crisis

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and No

I told myself I'd apply for a new job around March and April. May, as well.

Hollywood Bowl have opened a new bowling alley in Bradford,
It's called Bollywood Hole...