It's illegal to shout "Fire!" in a crowded market full of pakis.
I wouldn't bother myself, I'd Just pull the trigger.

Working with hovercrafts is tyreless work

I've just swallowed some peroxide.
I think I'm going to dye.

My mate told me he's having an expensive private medical operation to cure his curved spine.
I said, "That's going to set yer back."

My football team played a team from Saturn today.
We ran rings round them.

What is it called when a 15 year old girl decides to become a nun?
Premature Immaculation.

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home today and to my horror he was brown.
"Over my dead body are you seeing an ex prime minister!"
I screamed.

What do we want?
To be precise!
When do we want it?
Half past seven, tomorrow night at Grimsby Tesco car park. Wear a red jumper and some jeans. Bring a packed lunch because there's going to be some team building exercises.

During my boring job on a production line filling various drinks containers,I often contemplate stealing one but I never do.
I just bottle it every time.

What do we want?
More Fat Boy Slim.
When do we want it?
Right here, right now.

The recipe book told me to "slow cook for a few hours",
so I hid all his knives.

Got into a fight this morning while listening to some music.
I had my iPod on scuffle.

I've always wanted to be a bank robber, so I thought it was fantastic opportunity to learn a few tricks of the trade when one came into my local Barclays, and I was eager to learn.
So I took some notes.

Been telling my wife what chronology means for the past two weeks
"Oh I get it now" she says
It's about time

My relationship ended with my ex because I kept making rubgy jokes.
We'll attempt to stay in touch, I'll give it a try anyway.

My mate asked me who had made Germany's 23 man squad for the European Championships
I said "Klose, but no Sieger"

Last night's 3rd round spliff smoking contest went well.
I'm joint leader.

Two clothing shops walk into a bar.
Barman says, "Right, who's Next?"

I'm not sure if I want my indecision to hold me back.

I don't know what people are angling at, but they keep saying I'm obtuse

Firefighters are on standby at the Swan Vesta factory after the workers threatened an all out strike.

I've been trying to get my computer to work.
But, when I got it there, they already had loads.

Last night my wife argued till she was blue in the face.
Is making your point worth being suffocated for?

They say music increases intelligence.
I've been a studious pupil of the pink oboe for years.

When I was younger, I always remember my dad saying, "Son, It's important to have good vocabulary."
If I had only known then the difference between the words Antidote and Anecdote, he would still be alive today.