I went to the local mosque earlier and beat up a Mullah who had been preaching hate as a retaliation. Unfortunately I got the wrong guy - it seems I made a clerical error...

I used to be a cat burglar but I finally came to my senses: cats don't have much!

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms. I fear a military coo.

I was quite a 'lady killer' in my younger days, but behind bars for thirty years has changed that.

Apparently over 30,000 people were there for the opening of the new Waterstones store in Oxford Street.....
That's a turn up for the books.

French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss has died at the age of 100.
Longevity must have been in his jeans?

All these years I've been told that Bob's my uncle but it turns out that he is actually my biological father.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation, it's breathtakingly good.

I don't trust windows
I can see straight through them

I thought I'd run out of kitchen towel today.
Turned out I had Plenty.

My mate has no luck with women and whenever he's down in the dumps he gets a new girlfriend. So I've told him try somewhere else

I saw my son playing cards on a level crossing
Hes addicted to gambling online.

I've just won five games of poker in a row whilst standing on a piece of bread.
Think I'm on a roll.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel

BBC news tells me: "Police appeal to murder suspect".
If he's killed someone, the last thing I want to know is what bands he likes.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because David was playing in a football match.

I met my girlfriend at a summer fair.
It was fete.

A man went into the butchers. "Why are you using a knife to cut those long eared furry animals?" he asked.
"It's not a knife it's a cimeter", replied the butcher.
Talk about splitting hares.

Can't believe my baby is 1 year old today,
Happy birthday playstation 3, I love you loads.

I'm thinking of opening an Israeli phone top up shop called 'Credit Where Its Jew'

I made a Facebook fan page for my girlfriend.
She didn't like it.

It's funny how the majority of people that sell Pirate DVDs have a dodgy eye, one hand and a gammy leg.

My baby daughter has started stealing cheesy pop CD's.
She's just taken her first steps.

If history repeats itself...
I'd expect the same thing to happen again.

BBC Football Commentary: The ball breaks to Didier Drogba, whose cross-come-shot is blocked.
For a second there, I thought I had mixed my internet tabs up.