I went to the local mosque earlier and beat up a Mullah who had been preaching hate as a retaliation. Unfortunately I got the wrong guy - it seems I made a clerical error...

I used to be a cat burglar but I finally came to my senses: cats don't have much!

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms. I fear a military coo.

I was quite a 'lady killer' in my younger days, but behind bars for thirty years has changed that.

Apparently over 30,000 people were there for the opening of the new Waterstones store in Oxford Street.....
That's a turn up for the books.

French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss has died at the age of 100.
Longevity must have been in his jeans?

All these years I've been told that Bob's my uncle but it turns out that he is actually my biological father.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation, it's breathtakingly good.

I don't trust windows
I can see straight through them

I thought I'd run out of kitchen towel today.
Turned out I had Plenty.

My baby daughter has started stealing cheesy pop CD's.
She's just taken her first steps.

If history repeats itself...
I'd expect the same thing to happen again.

BBC Football Commentary: The ball breaks to Didier Drogba, whose cross-come-shot is blocked.
For a second there, I thought I had mixed my internet tabs up.

I was just in my car with my mates missus.
She said, "Put your foot down."
I said, "Sorry, do you not like it up your skirt?"

In a recent fit of rage, I threw books on the floor, upturned furniture, ran around screaming and then ripped the minute hand of the clock.
I needed some time off.

I'm in court accused of the murders of Dracula and Monte Cristo.
I'm pleading guilty to both Counts

The proudest moment of my life was in that delivery room, watching my girlfriend give birth to our baby.
Although I'll never know how we ended up in that post office depot.

My wife said she "wanted a night to remember"
So I bought a memory foam matress.

Jordan and her myopic chimp-son Harvey stayed at my guest house last year.
I had no choice but to put the Prices up.

I have some jokes about the unemployed.
They need work though.

My car smells like Cherry Menthol.
I've just had it Tuned.

I caught my wife and neighbour today.
I was crushed.

I feel sorry for my wife after I did a series of experiments on her which turned her invisible.
You've got to feel for her.

My mate keeps talking about his favourite biblical city.
I told him not to Babylon.

My mate has no luck with women and whenever he's down in the dumps he gets a new girlfriend. So I've told him try somewhere else