I was just in my car with my mates missus.
She said, "Put your foot down."
I said, "Sorry, do you not like it up your skirt?"

In a recent fit of rage, I threw books on the floor, upturned furniture, ran around screaming and then ripped the minute hand of the clock.
I needed some time off.

I'm in court accused of the murders of Dracula and Monte Cristo.
I'm pleading guilty to both Counts

The proudest moment of my life was in that delivery room, watching my girlfriend give birth to our baby.
Although I'll never know how we ended up in that post office depot.

My wife said she "wanted a night to remember"
So I bought a memory foam matress.

Jordan and her myopic chimp-son Harvey stayed at my guest house last year.
I had no choice but to put the Prices up.

I have some jokes about the unemployed.
They need work though.

My car smells like Cherry Menthol.
I've just had it Tuned.

I caught my wife and neighbour today.
I was crushed.

I feel sorry for my wife after I did a series of experiments on her which turned her invisible.
You've got to feel for her.

My mate keeps talking about his favourite biblical city.
I told him not to Babylon.

I broke the lift in work this morning by punching the control panel an hard as I could.
It was bang, out of order.

A friend of mine has got such a short temper. I was playing cards with him the other day and he just snapped

I'm going out on the push tonight.
It's like going out on the pull, but more aggressive.

Have an imaginary skin condition? Try pseudo-cream.

Alphabetti Spaghetti.
WARNING - May contain N, U, T and S

I brought my dog to the vet for a cat scan today.
They found three in him.

I was visited by the ghost of Christmas present.
Serves me right for not putting air-holes in it.

Scrooge walks into a pub with a black and white decorative theme.
Bar Humbug!

My wife was in the bath crying earlier, so I said, 'You're in a state - what's the matter?'
'Liquid', she replied.

My mum knows I have been stealing Christmas trees to buy drugs.
She found the needles all over my bedroom floor.

My wife just spent three whole weeks looking for my FIFA game.
It was above and beyond the call of duty.

I started a football team 2 years ago called 'The Champions', but we haven't won a game yet, and I'm sick of all the other teams running around at the end singing 'we beat the champions.'
I think I'm going to change our name to, 'Off Constantly.'

I'm not too sure what to do with this kilo of cocaine that I found on the beach.
I suppose that I'll just have to deal with it.

Saw the worlds biggest fan last week.
It blew me away.