My mate just said "I'm starving I feel like an Ethiopian."
Some people will eat anything.

recently got a call from my Bank telling me it was my final warning;
"Thank God" I replied, "your finally leaving me alone".

Snapped my shoelace earlier.
To be fair, I usually win most of the card games we play anyway.

A new report says teenagers are so addicted to their smartphones they even use them on the toilet.
Call me old-fashioned but I still prefer toilet paper.

Two people have been seriously injured.
The other four were just jokingly hurt.

I made a great impression when I met the in-laws.
I don't think they know who Harvey Price is though.

All this turmoil sparked by one black guy
Shame on you Barack Obama...

I have a PhD in acidic alphabets.

Love and hate are very close together in my book.
Mind you, I do own one of the world's most sternly abridged English dictionaries.

Book Cover Of The Year Award.. How's that judged?

I've seen loads of people abbreviate "week ending" to say WE, but I've never seen anyone abbreviate "month ending" other than ME.

I saw Jonathan Ross earlier spraying path clear onto his news paper.
"What are you doing, Jonathan?" I asked.
"Weeding it," he replied.

I had a downhill race with a tranny on a push bike today. I beat him by miles.
I think the drag let him down.

My wife say's she'll leave me if I don't do something about my Elvis obsession. It's now or never

Most trouser repairs are done on the fly.

Just got my sign language exam results back.
Mostly eh.

After being given the Go Ahead i realised i would've preferred a twix

Just spent the evening with a medium.....Well I say medium but if the truth be known she was rather on the large side.

A bloke came up to me and said ''last night, i saw you on emmerdale''
I was confused, how did he know my name, how did he know my daughters name and lastly how did he know where i live?

All of my ideas for improving my posture have so far failed.
Back to the drawing board then.

Europe has adopted Mickey Mouse money.
As my mate Angus said, "The Euro disnae work as a system of currency."

If your soft drink gives you involuntary muscle spasms, it's probably a caustic soda.

I still remember the day me and my other half were viciously attacked by a group of good-for-nothing Saudi's. There we were standing together on a beautiful morning, right in the middle of a crowded city at rush hour, minding our own business, when out of no where these crazy, religion-fuelled Arabs came flying at us...
...They hit our bodies so hard we collapsed to the ground. Right infront of everybody. Although we've rebuilt ourselves now, we were a complete wreck for weeks upon months after the attack...
But I think that's enough about mine and my wife's court case, isn't today supposed to be an important anniversary for Yanks or something?

I had a milkybar earlier.
Yeah, the milk had been in my fridge for so long, it just sort of solidified.

I think that they should remake the milky way advert.
'the red car and the blue blue car tried to race,
But all red wanted to do was stuff his face.
But before he could even try
Petrol prices rose to high.
So the race was cancelled.'