Gave up Whale-watching.
Couldn't see the porpoise.

I never set out to be a shoplifter, I just picked things up as I went along.

Just asked the wife if it's alright for me to go fishing.
"Get real!" she replied.
I've taken that as a yes.

A clock with a mirror?
Time for reflection.

My girlfriend can't leave the house without putting her face on...
She hasn't been the same since that acid attack.

I had a trial for Man Utd but because of a red card in my first match they didn't sign me.
Fergie said I shouldn't have given it to Giggs.

Policeman pulled me over, said I was going too fast.
So I took him to dinner first.

I bought a cordless keyboard on ebay.
It only lets you play one note at a time.

I see in the news that cereals are being grown using human waste as fertilizer. I did wonder. When I put milk on my Rice Krispies this morning they went "splat, dribble and plop".

What's 6 inches long and likes a good pound?
A piggy bank.

My local cinema has decided to combat obesity by selling bags of nuts instead of sweets.
They call it "Pecan Mix"

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.
Then it was too late.

My wife's a particle physicist.
Yup, there's no dust round our house.

What do you get if you cross a Immigrant and a naked person?
An Asylum Streaker.

I was speaking to a girl in a bar last night when I commented that I'm just like a sword.
"Is it because you're so long?" she asked.
"No"
"Is it because you're dashing?"
"No"
"Then how are you like a sword?"
"Because I'm going to rapier".

I was playing scrabble with my wife.
I said, "You've got B O".
She said, "Stop looking at my tiles".
I said, "I wasn't"

The lift doors in a hotel open and a beautiful woman runs out. She hurries over to the reception desk and says to the man: "Excuse me, I'm in a dreadful rush, could you please check me out?"
The receptionist looks her up and down and says: "Not bad. Not bad at all."

I can't help it. Everytime I take a girl to bed, I end up stabbing her in the eyes.
And Mum's always told me off for my ffffing and blinding.

Violence is never the answer.
Unless the question is "What's an anagram of Noel vice?"

Rock and roll has torn my family apart. My parents died in an avalanche.

I thought my girlfriend was hiding something in her computer so I hacked into it.
I feel a bit silly now as I only found a bunch of wires and a few circuit boards.

What do you call it when someone murders another person?
Homicide.
What do you call it when someone murders a king?
Regicide.
What do you call it when someone completely murders music?
Brokencyde.

My wife told me that she was fed up with me sitting around the house and that I should get a trade.
So I swapped her for a stripper.

I had a letter through the post saying my census is outstanding...
How they can judge how good it is when I haven't sent it off yet.

Whats square and hairy?
A pubic cube.