I've invented a new hair dye range that is only available for people in supervisory positions.
It's called 'Just Foremen'.

Trust me, if you want the birds to flock around you, screaming and begging you for what you have to offer...
Buy some chips at the sea-side.

Coronation Streets Betty Driver Dies age 91...
Her 3 brothers Racing, Screw and Pile are said to be devastated.

My mate dared me to kidnap all the X-Factor contestants.
I said I wouldn't take The Risk.

OCD sufferers.
They need to sort it out.

Getting hired as a designer for the "Bench & Chair" company wasn't easy.
But apparently they really enjoyed my stool sample.

If I had a pound for everytime I didn't know what was happening, I'd be querying why people are giving me pounds.

I lit the candles, poured some wine, and asked my girl, "Any chance you're up for some mutual masturbation?"
She replied, "Let's duet."

My mates a Ski instructor....
He teaches people to eat yoghurts safely.

I was doing one of those online quizzes to find out how dominant I am.
But I just couldn't Submit.

I threw a set of industrial speakers at my dad's head once.
He looked tannoyed.

I went to see my Grandma as a kid, and I always tell her: "Grandma, stop dressing up as a child."

Why is it called Lubricant, surely it should be Lubrican.

I saw this really cool caterpillar earlier so I decided to take it home.
The Mrs wasn't too happy about having a 45 ton digger on the drive though.

I found myself in trouble earlier for posting racist jokes from my Macbook.
They aren't PC.

board games...why do people engage in such trivial pursuits?

I'm so skint, even my computer is low on cache.

I'm writing a book about 'Allergies and Rashes'.
I've started from scratch.

I caught the eye of this girl at the club.
I knew I shouldn't have worn my fishing hat.

I'm not anti-lost, I'm just profound

Body of Gareth Williams found in MI6 murder case.
Murder case? That's a bit of an extravagant term for a sports bag.

I wouldn't dream of being an insomniac.

Do I enjoy shopping in all these cheap foreign supermarkets?
Just a Lidl.

There was a leaflet on contraception stapled to the middle of my newspaper today.
It was a pull-out special.

I wanted to impress a girl so I offered to buy her shoes.
She said they weren't for sale.