My mate reckons he's the best pot dealer in the country.
I think he's just got delusions of ganja.

I just tried some of the new "Trebor extra strong gum" this morning, it was mint.

Ban land mines now!
It's time to put our foot down.

I went to the gym today, tried some powerlifting, did the clean and jerk.
This was quite strange for me, as I usually do that the other way around.

I maintain a house attached to one other house.
I love telling people that I'm nursing a semi.

The missus had to have both her legs amputated and the doctor gave her some cream for the wounds.
I'll stand by her though...just to rub it in.

I just saw a sign in Specsavers,
'70% off Frames'
Surely the lenses would fall out.

I've just met my daughters Special Needs teacher.
How a mong got such an important job I'll never know.

I pushed my wife down the water channel at Alton Towers.
She was fluming.

BBC News: Senior dental consultant removed.
I wonder who's going to be filling in?

We woke up this morning to the wife's head stinking of fish, with a gill sprouting out one ear and a tail fin from the other.
The doctor reckons it's the worst looking brain tuna he's ever seen.

I tried poaching a rhino the other day. I couldn't find a big enough pan though.

I used to go out with a baker.
I had to dump her in the end though.
She was too kneedy.

I kicked out my wife last night...
It's like licking out but uses considerably more foot.

*Newflash* Russel Crowe has been arrested and charged with Cannibalism after a female extra from his latest movie went missing and search teams were unable to trace the body.
When asked if he regretted his actions, Mr Crowe's publicist simply replied "No, he's Gladiator"

I've designed a form of camouflage that is 100% effective.
I'd love to show it to you, but I can't.

My mate challenged me to a game of drafts today.
I won with a 3000 word essay.

My Italian friend just told me he's built a frame of metal bars to hold wood when it's burning in his fireplace.
I said , "How is it?"
He said, "It's a grate."

If you have any gloves you don't want, I'll take them off your hands.

I bought my wife a 6ft spoon for Christmas.
Really caused a stir.

My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend.
So when I came home this morning I did the tango instead.

Kids do the funniest things. I just watched my three year old open a cannister of nitrous oxide.
I couldn't help but laugh.

I saw an ad online promising free corned beef! All I had to do was put in my email address.
It was a total con, all I got was Spam.

I constructed a cupboard for my wife to put bed linen and towels, but while she was putting stuff in it, it collapsed and killed her.
Turns out I'd made a fatal airer.

I was doing a bit of stand-up in London last night.
I also did some sitting down.