I'm training my new dog.
Or whatever hitting it with a train is called.

I had a fantastic job last year. I was making big money.
That was the problem though, people noticed the notes were 5mm too big.

My boss has just told me my jobs on the line
He was merely confirming my status as a train driver.

I happened to be at a petting zoo recently. This girl puts down her bag to tie her shoelace. Perfect opportunity.
I dashed over, grabbed the bag, jumped over a picket fence, through two paddocks but unfortunately tripped over a gathering of young goats, hitting my head and was apprehended.
I would have got away with it if it wasnt for them pesky kids.

I went out with a game bird yesterday evening.
It was a very pheasant experience.

In The Sun today, there is a story about an attempt to smuggle 1m worth of drugs aboard HMS Manchester by a wren,but the attached picture is clearly of a blackbird.

My girlfriend dumped me over the phone today.
I was surprised that she could carry me in the first place.

Music scholars have found interesting new details about one of Beethoven's early scores.
She was eighteen years old and worked in the bakery.

I think I've gone mental. Here I am, trying to work out an anagram of the word 'grown'. It's not a joke guys, please don't laugh. It's just wrong.

Know what takes my breath away?
Throat cancer.

I'm the skipper of the local fishing vessel.
Two of the other lads do the rope for me.

I'm the skipper of the local fishing vessel.
Two of the other lads do the rope for me.

MSN News "Mum left in car park by pair"
You'd never get that treatment from a Banana.

Kids do the funniest things. I just watched my three year old open a cannister of nitrous oxide.
I couldn't help but laugh.

I saw an ad online promising free corned beef! All I had to do was put in my email address.
It was a total con, all I got was Spam.

I constructed a cupboard for my wife to put bed linen and towels, but while she was putting stuff in it, it collapsed and killed her.
Turns out I'd made a fatal airer.

I was doing a bit of stand-up in London last night.
I also did some sitting down.

Whilst on sentry duty in pitch darkness i suddenly saw a horse and rider,clad in armour, charging straight at me. I quickly took off my knight vision equipment.

I bought a picture book about the One Hundred Year War.
It was a long, drawn-out battle.

I'm terrible at playing Hide and Seek, I think you'll find.

My local barbers is offering a shave with a hot towel.
Can't help thinking a razor would be more effective.

A mate of mine got terminated for persistent misbehaviour at his job today.
I thought that was a bit harsh. Couldn't they just have fired him?

I can't believe a film about a piece of fruit is causing such a stir at the Oscars.
All I'm hearing is "The King's Peach this, the King's Peach that"

Some little kid just ran up and shot me in the back of the head with a foam dart.
I thought, "He's got a nerf!".

I sold some dodgy horse pellets to a bloke on eBay and now he's demanding a refund or else.
Either way, it looks like I'm getting some bad feed back.