MSN News "Mum left in car park by pair"
You'd never get that treatment from a Banana.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we
would climb into old tires and roll down the hills.
They were goodyears.

As a ginger, using an ATM is my favourite part of the day.
It accepts me.

I bought some cooking apples today.
Total waste of money.
They just sat on the kitchen side doing nothing, while I did all the cooking.

Kids today don't know how easy they've got it with all this running hot and cold water, I can still remember my childhood well.

Just watched a feature length program about a Duck with two mouths.
It was a double bill.

My top three favourite films of all time are:
1. Groundhog Day
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Groundhog Day

My girlfriend is getting too big for her boots.
I'd forgotten how fast they grow at that age.

Two paedophiles lying on a beach. One says to his mate, "Excuse me, you're in my sun".

I'm a bit like Marmite really...
...the unwanted by-product of alcohol.

The best thing about driving in the desert is that it will always be dry.
It's unlikely terrain.

My mate told me he had bought a monkey that wears a fez and plays the cymbals.
It was a wind-up.

Everyone refers to it as the Post Office but I want to know what it is now.

What do you call a ginger with a dead gorgeous body?
A necrophiliac.

I am now banned from my local shopping centre.
Apparently a relief car park is not exactly what it says it is.

Just bought a new Wigwam , the wife says it looks just like one of our older Wigwams.
I agree , its very similar to a certain ex Tent

Sky news: 'Miss USA Rocked By Strip Show Photos'
In other news: 'Miss Afghanistan Stoned After Strip Show Photos'

My wife's got a cracking pair of jugs ...
So we're taking them back to John Lewis' to get a refund.

Whenever my brother joined the army, they made a man out of him.
They even paid for the operation.

When taking children to the cinema always take a kettle, teapot and some teabags.
Some PG Tips there for you.

Just spent two grand on an ice cream van.
It melted in 15 minutes.

Went into B&Q and asked a member of staff, "Where can I find some hammers, nails, a bag of cement, and a trowel?"
"They are all under 'Construction'," she answered.
"Oh, well where will they be when they are finished?" I replied.

I've just got a job in a nursery, and YES, I will abuse my position.
I'll steal as many plants as I can.

I'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day.
Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.

As a claustrophobic epileptic, I've always found it hard to fit in.